UFOs, bloody cult rituals, corporate assassins, mysterious femme fatales, an industrial relations dispute.. what is the true story lying behind the recent disappearance of the Reverend Hellfire?
SEARCH FOR REVEREND
Mystery Blonde questioned
over “Missing Minister”!
BLOODY RITUALS LINK!
Sources close to the Investigation into the disappearance of
beloved poet, performer and Paganistic Prophet, Reverend Hellfire, revealed today that a “Mystery Blonde” seen with the Reverend shortly before his disappearance, had been called in for questioning.
The woman in question has been identified as Wendy Seary,
a nightclub chanteuse formerly associated with such notorious underground “rock” groups as “Pineapples from the Dawn of Time“, “SPANK” and “Loves-A-Blur.”
It has also been confirmed that she is currently singing for a band with the suspiciously eldritch name of “CTHULHU“.
Investigators believe the band’s name reflects Mz Seary’s position as on office holder in the upper echelons
of the Deagon-Deviation branch of the secretive
“Church of Starry Wisdom“.
The CSW has long been suspected of being a front for the hideous Cthulhu Cult, whose loathsome and degraded practices have been suppressed in every decent, civilised society.
The Reverend has been a steadfast and public opponent of the Cthulhu Cult in the past and as a result has received numerous anonymous threats and warnings to: “Be Silent or Die“.
Some now fear that the Reverend himself may have ended up as a human sacrifice to the “Great Old Ones”, in one of the Cult’s loathesome and bloody rituals.
Also questioned today was the Rev’s Personal Assistant, the strangely enigmatic Linda Loop, who, in a touching, if naive display of employee loyalty, steadfastly maintained
her belief in the Reverends survival.
“I’m sure”, She said coyly, “that even if someone,
say..ooh, a disgruntled employee with a grudge,
had drugged him, transported his unconscious body in the roomy boot of something like a a 71 Chrysler for example and
were to have left him naked, gagged,
blindfolded and bound to a tree in dense rainforest,
he will probably have managed to gnaw
his way thru the ropes, and is even now limping,
bruised and naked, towards civilization.
He’s a cunning little monster so I wouldn’t be surprised
if he’s even managed to clothe himself by now
from someone’s clothes hoist.”
“Of course all this is just speculation“, she purred demurely,
“but I’m sure that, if such were the case,
should he survive the experience,
future employer/employee relations
will be conducted on a much firmer basis
of mutual understanding and respect“.
REVEREND VICTIM OF UFO ABDUCTION?
But in other developments,
suggestions have been made to the ongoing Investigation,
that the Reverend may have been kidnapped by Aliens
from another world.
“It’s January 2001 all over again!”
a long time associate of the Reverend,
the respected chemical engineer known
only as “Dr Bob” asserted, “They came back for him..
I knew They would.. it was only a matter of Time..
he shouldn’t have removed the implant..
They don’t like it when you do that!”
The Doctor is believed to be referring to a mysterious incident that occurred in January 2001 in dense bushland, when he and the Reverend were witnesses to a UFO Close encounter
whilst searching for an earlier Doof west of Ipswich.
The Reverend has written of this experience himself
in the Sunday Sermons column, and of dealing with the consequences following that Incident, including
the detection and removal of Alien implants.
“The circumstances are just too similar
to the previous incident”, Dr Bob told investigators,
“It can’t just be co-incidence..
I believe The Reverend has been abducted and is no longer on this planet.”
While the new lead is not being actively pursued at this time,
Authorities have detained Doctor Bob and placed him in a secure facility for further observation and testing.
THE “THIRD WOMAN”
Yet to be identified by the Investigation into the Reverend Hellfire’s disappearance, is a third “mystery woman” seen in his company at a “Bush-Doof” in the early hours of July 13.
The dreadlocked “Third Woman“, is said to be of a somewhat feral appearance but, “very friendly” in manner.When last spotted she apparently had a lion entangled in her dreadlocks.
Mourning Loved Ones have urged her
to step forward and share with investigators
any information she may have
on the Reverend’s movements in his last hours.
In a startling development, Investigators in
the “Case of the Missing Reverend”
today interviewed Senior Executives representing
the powerful Cyrus Trust Foundation,
the multi-billion dollar,
Entertainment and Small-Arms Manufacturing Corporation.
In the weeks before his disappearance, the Reverend was at the centre of a Media Frenzy over revelations of his secret Balinese Wedding to notorious pop celebrity Miley Cyrus,
heir to the Cyrus Billions.
A recent injunction by lawyers representing the Cyrus Trust, to prevent Reverend Hellfire from publishing his reminiscences of his time together with the troubled young Popstar, is currently before the courts, and sources speculate that the high-profile case may lie behind the controversial religious leader’s disappearance.
“There’s millions resting on this case”,
one anonymous phone-informant told the Sunday Sermons Office, “Its very convenient for the Trust
that he’s disappeared just Now. A little too convenient
if you know what I mean.
It’s cheaper for the Cyrus Trust
to arrange for an ‘Irritant’ to have an ‘accident’
than to have to settle with them out of court”.
“Oh Man.. the Trust!” our informant whispered furtively
before abruptly hanging up,
“you don’t want to fuck with those people..no way!“
The Reverend Hellfire was a practising Performance Poet,
an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism and the Church of the Universe,
as well as President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity Inc.
Absinth maketh the heart grow blonder.