•August 31, 2014 • Leave a Comment

pumpkin head 2


They say we have a Vote.

But you will kindly note;

The choices are

for Donkey or

for Goat.


While our Leaders like to Gloat,

Our Land is so Remote.

That the Sea

to some degree

acts as our Moat.


And their Experts all agree,

that if there’s Refugees,

then all we have to do

is sink their boats!


Well, at least the Dollar floats!

(A case of Fiscal Bloat)

Though our Leader‘s eyes remind

me of a Stoat.


While behind the cigar smoke

Our Treasurer likes to Joke;

“The Poor? Let them eat Cake,

or maybe Oats!”


So give up Hope.


Obey the Pope!


If anybody asks you say

you,  “just slipped on the soap“.


You still can’t cope?


Just smoke more Dope!


(Once you’re called a “Trouble-Maker

then you’re on a slippery slope.)


Obey George Pell!


Or go to Hell!


Don’t talk about “the bodies

When they ask you,

“What’s that smell?”


And if your Pastor starts to Grope

or asks you to Elope

while you’re staring at a sign

that says;

Abandon Ye All Hope“!


While there’s no Joy left in Beer,

one thought can still bring Cheer;

“You can always go

and hang-yourself

with a piece of Rope.”


I learned by Rote,


these Poems I wrote!


So the Words that you have heard

will come bubbling up my Throat!


I wear my Heart,

upon my Coat.

All the better

to Emote,

the Implications,

that my Poems denote.


While my Verse

contains a Code,

(a secret Semiotic load)

that hides Subversive Ideas

They don’t

want me to promote.

samurai hallucinartion





The Reverend Hellfire is..

..late again!




•August 24, 2014 • Leave a Comment

One from the Vaults. This poem first appeared in “FreeMarjuana Fables”,

a limited edition (100 signed and numbered copies only) Collection

of poems, stories and Art issued back around 1999,

under my Guy FreeMarijuana Guise.

Before that the poem was lying at the bottom of a drawer for years .

I don’t know when I wrote it but

the graph paper itself came from one of my old school books.


poem for graphReduced Jpig


And for those in the vicinity of Ipswich this coming Teusday..

Rev Right Hand crop2flame frame



At large in your town!

Tuesday August 26th 2014



Brisbane Street, Ipswich.

7.00-9.00 pm


There’s other stuff on too, plus you get to ask me questions at the end

of the night.  Hopefully some sort of nourishment will be provided.

Check for details at

Studio188 logo


shakespeare baby final


tai chi hand

The Reverend Hellfire is  a practising Performance Poet,

President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity,

and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism

AND the Church of the Universe.

” Excitable boy “,  they all said.



•August 17, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Todays Sermon is Rated R+, and contains sexual content, including; exhibitionisim, voyeurism, B & D and some stuff I’m not sure they have a name for yet.

Accordingly: All Adults viewing today’s Poems

must be accompanied by a Miner.

( next weeks sermon will be PG on my PA’s advice)

per[le- 1

Three Poems for Deviants [R+]



1. Digital Penetration

The Camera fucked her

Again and again.

Digging that Digital Penetration,

(the Excitement of Exhibition)

She arched her back

and spread her legs wide.

Came every time the Flash

went off inside.


2. Out in the open

She like to have Sex

out in the Wide Open Spaces,

you know, places

like Cemeteries and Parks.

(And no, she didn’t believe

in waiting till after Dark.)

Me, myself, well I preferred

Abandoned Houses or

Vacant Lots in empty, old

Industrial Estates.

Mix Danger with the Aesthetic of Decay,

to summon some sort of Feral Sexuality

that lurked around

those broken walls,

and crumbling masonry

emerging from the weeds.

But it got to be a problem in the end.

I mean, some days we’d have to

drive for hours to find a place

that satisfied both our needs.


1929 porn

3. Bad Girl.

She said she’d been a bad girl

and needed to be spanked.

Being a perfect Gentleman

I obliged.

After all,

it would have just been Cruel,

to be Kind.

reverend profile red


word to the wise



The Reverend Hellfire is.. a hurry today.


MILEY & ME; Our Secret Wedding. Part 3.

•August 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Sunday Sermons is proud to at last present the final instalment of the Reverend Hellfire‘s report on his marriage to controversial Popstar Miley Cyrus. Regrettably, due to the poor condition of the original recordings, and subsequent legal action by various parties, much of the text is missing.




The Old Temple had seen better days..


vietnam war 2

..and so I survived the helicopter ride with no more than a

simple leg wound, but I knew that out there somewhere the dwarf was already wading thru the paddy fields towards the Temple, with a kitchen knife gripped tightly between her teeth.

There had been bad vibes between us from the start. It wasn’t my fault. I’d even tried to break the ice by sharing some curious historical facts. “You know, I’d blithely informed her, “Montezuma the last Aztec emperor was fond of dwarves..

Had a whole collection in fact. In the end he threw

his favourite from a pyramid

so they weren’t captured by the Spaniards.

The Roman Emperor Domitian

had a pet dwarf too now I recollect..

He used to like to pat its hump for good luck”.

But she’d just hissed at me and started

conspiring with Dougie to plot my downfall.

Miley's psychotically jealous dwarf was trouble from the start

Miley’s psychotically jealous dwarf was trouble from the start

Meanwhile at the Temple where I rejoined my Intended,

I discovered the “Event Planners” had apparently

been attempting to win an award 

for the most-disturbing-Reception-Area

since the Titus Groan Wedding../


..been staring suspiciously for the entire ceremony

at the silk drapes artistically engulfing

the entire length of the decrepit Temple.

Suddenly Miley interrupted the Hindu Priest’s endless droning, by shrieking at a hapless decorator standing nearby..,

“I said Rose, Bitch!

This silk is not -fucking- rose,

it’s -fucking -PINK!

!!@#%!! PINK!

You think I can’t tell Rose from Pink?

I’m from fucking Texas!

Did that Pink Bitch put you up to this?


Miley lunged and started shaking the terrified Decorator like a terrier with a rat. Clearly she had somehow formed the idea that her old show-biz ‘rose-noir’, Pink,

had contrived to sabotage her wedding

thru the sordid agency of the Wedding Decorator.

By now I had probably drunk more Absinthe than I should have, but it had had such a soothing affect on my mounting sense of social unease that I was taking long slugs from the bottle even as I was making my Vows.

Nonetheless, despite my impaired motor skills,

I was about to intervene when suddenly./

.[*text missing*]

..police everywhere../.[*text missing*]

a loudspeaker voice warned../[*text missing*]the dogs.

Gunshots and explosions..

[*text missing*]

vietnam war 2 was then that there appeared over the fringe of jungle trees three military helicopters flying in perfect formation, their rotors whipping the jungle foliage below into a frenzy. The drone of their engines rose to a hideous roar, but even this was drowned out by an even greater cacophony,

a pandemonium of aural chaos,

for each Chopper had two large Bose speakers bolted to the hull, and all six were blaring out

their defiant anthem at full volume.

My wedding already looked like a set from Apocalypse Now

so I half expected the speakers to be hammering out

Flight of the Valkyries, or The Doors.

But no. It was worse than Wagner..


The speakers were turning the Country N Western pop hit into a metallic, 1930’s-style Beer-Hall Polka. Goose-stepping down the Decades, it promised a Reich that would last a thousand hangovers..

“Oh-oh!”, I said,dropping the empty Absinthe bottle,

and smiling drunkenly at my young bride,

“Looks like Daddy’s home

and we’re all in Trouble”.


A familiar voice crackled out thru the speakers in metallic tones, punctuated by the the howl and whirr of the helicopter’s rotors. A rope ladder dropped meanwhile from the lead helicopter..

“Baby girl it’s time to get going!”

the voice boomed out

with all the joviality of Herman Goering

addressing a chapter of the Hitler Youth,

“Fun’s done and time to go home!”

Hand on hip my blushing bride

pouted petulantly, at this announcement.


“You tell yer little playmate he’d better skedaddle

now too if he’s got any sense..”

“Sorry to sound inhospitable sir“, the voice now seemed to be addressing me,

but I’ll thank you to forget you ever knew my daughter if you know what’s good for you and that you will now take the opportunity to obligingly disappear back into the woodwork with the other cockroaches where you belong“.

Now baby-girl“.

the voice continued, speaking to Miley now, who was staring blankly at the Copter, now hovering directly above us, with her mouth open, head tilted back,

“Do what yer Daddy says and climb on up that ladder, y’hear?. I’ve got us both a contract to do a sitcom with a Canadian TV company. I play a show biz father and you’re my zany, G-rated teen-age daughter”

.”..Noooooo daddy I don’t want toooooo!” she screeched and stamped her foot on the stage,

“Don’t make me do another Sitcommm!



she started screaming in rising tones

like a boiling kettle, getting higher

and higher in pitch.

We were sliding from Apocalypse Now

into the Tea Party at the end of

Alice in the Looking Glass.

Miley was skilled at aerial maneuvers

Miley was skilled at aerial maneuvers

Despite her tantrum, the next time the rope ladder swung

past Miley, she hooked it dexterously with one hand

and hoisted herself up and into a spin,

so that as the helicopter swung away,

trailing her and the ladder behind it like a heavy tail,

she was hanging upside down with one knee wrapped

around the lowest rung of the the rope ladder.

I must admit it was a surprisingly graceful exit.

The effect was somewhat marred tho by the sound

of her shrill voice shrieking into the night,

Lets see that PINK BITCH do THIISSss!!”

were the last words I heard my young bride say

as the helicopter bore her away

into the tropical sky,

illuminated by the flash of the flares

and the orange glow of the many fires

burning uncontrollably below.

Of course at time I didn’t appreciate

the poignancy of the moment.

I had other problems.

vietnam war 3

The initial assault of the Indonesian TRG

had been stalled at the perimeter

of the Temple by Miley’s “Security Team

but they were now starting to make headway.

The Security Team itself were mostly scarred,

heavily armed, mercenary types.

Formerly employed as FARC terrorists and

Columbian drug-traffickers,

they had little respect for Authority, and

as the Cyrus Corp, in its wisdom,

had chosen to pay them with Methylamphetamines

rather than Money, they also had little Fear.

Accordingly, Resistance, though Futile, was prolonged.

Nonetheless I could tell from my vantage point that the

POLISI would soon penetrate to the Reception Area,

at which point the Defences would crumble completely

and it would be every man, dwarf

and transvestite for themselves.

Fortunately I had been chatting earlier

with two of the kitchen staff, who by happy chance

were originally PNG Hill-Tribesmen who had known me

from way-back-in-the-day when I was smuggling

anti-biotics to the West Papua Freedom-Fighters.

They also bore an unexplained grudge against

their Current Employers and had readily

agreed in case of emergency to help me make

a quick exit but warned me that the Cyrus Trust had../


..Then the monkeys started screaming louder than before.

The first explosion was caused by../


The Indonesian Captain then ordered ../


into the flames../

I../ [*text missing*]

The last of Miley's Security Guards surrenders.

The last of Miley’s Security Guards surrenders.

..wading thru the neck deep water, knee deep in mud,

trying to ignore the terrible explosions and screams behind me.

I could still hear the Puerto Rican dwarf’s shrieks

above the roar of the flames..

Oh the Horror! The Horror!

“No more marrying anyone under the age of thirty”,

I vowed.

The former West-Papua freedom-fighters/kitchenhands had earlier warned me that Miley../


..then leapfrogging me from island to island by canoe,

and eventually I’d just step casually ashore somewhere

on the Cape York Peninsula and catch a bus home.

So the passport issue wouldn’t be a problem. But the../


..and instead made my way to the Australian embassy, where I explained how I was a respectable, middle-class, middle-age Minister of Religion, who had been waylaid by ruffians whilst

holidaying in Bali and robbed of all identification and documents.

They then kidnapped me intending to hold me for ransom, I told the Consul, but I escaped in the confused fighting that occurred when the Cyrus Compound was stormed.

I shored up the flimsy edifice of my tale with a few choice bricks. As a result I certainly wouldn’t want to be the Puerto Rican dwarf next time they went thru Customs.

And I know the authorities appreciated all the information

I was able to provide them on the activities of Dougie.

In the end the Australian Consul even escorted

me onto the plane.

“Of course we’re working with local authorities

to tie up all the loose ends, Reverend”,

he assured me,

“The one we really want to get is the ringleader.

The one that goes by the name of Jerry..

He seems to be responsible for the whole affair”.

That scumbag”, I said, sneered and spat on the ground.

“Yeah he’s a bad one, alright” I called over my shoulder,

as I stepped briskly up the steps to the plane.

“I just hope you get the bastard

before he does any more harm”.

tai chi hand negative green button





The Reverend Hellfire is a practising  Performance Poet,

President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity Inc.,

and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism

AND the Church of the Universe.

He’s a lovely man when he’s in a good mood.


Miley Cyrus & Me Part 2; Poolside Reflections

•August 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Ours was a typical showbiz romance I suppose..

Ours was a typical showbiz romance I suppose..


Our Secret Marriage




“Why am I getting married again?”, I asked myself wearily

as I sat in a fold out lounge chair by the Villa’s Olympic-sized swimming-pool.

Perhaps it was just “wedding jitters”

but I was definitely having doubts.

I wasn’t even attracted to her physically. I mean, she was ok I suppose but her awkwardly aggressive displays of a kind of “autistic-sexuality” set my teeth on edge. Really I just felt sort of sorry for her. Foolishly I had the wistful hope that I could be a stabilising influence on the lass and maybe pass on some of the wisdom of my years, even if it was only, “Change the Bong water now and then goddammit! You’ll live longer that way, you little fool”.

Of course there was also my inherent moral weakness to be considered, that old fatal flaw that had me being swept along

like a spineless jellyfish every time some excitingly chaotic current came along to entertain me.

It’s not really my fault. I just have a very low

Boredom Threshold. (Indeed, if it wasn’t for the Heavy Medication the doctors make me take every day, I’d probably be setting myself on fire right now just to relieve the tedium of a slow Sunday afternoon.)

Yes, I’ll say this for Miley, I was never bored

when she was around.

hannah montana goes bad

Perhaps it was just the pool that depressed me, I reflected.

After all, the whole Villa had been wrapped around it,

so it was hard to escape its dysfunctional ambience.

It had been awhile since anyone had gone swimming though.

Pool usage had dropped right off since it had been filled

with Lemon Tapioca Pudding, after Miley had

a Flash of Creative Inspiration.

The Tapioca Pool was going to be used in some

vaguely “Conceptual” Video Clip, but Miley

got distracted by some other shiny object

and the Video never happened.

Meanwhile, forgotten, the Tapioca Pool kept ripening

in the sun. A deceptively solid-looking,

hard yellow crust had formed across the surface.

Several of the local stray-dogs and one of the monkey-bridesmaids had attempted to cross that seemingly solid surface,

but had plunged thru the thin skin into

the quicksand-like goo below and drowned.

You could still see the dark shadows where

their bodies hung suspended in the Tapioca.

In the middle of the pool, a single monkey paw

had broken thru the tar-like surface

in a last desperate bid for freedom

and remained there, stuck fast. Now it was

surrounded by an angry halo of buzzing flies.

AS I said, it had been awhile

since anyone went swimming.


Anyway, before you could go swimming you had to make your way past the minefield of broken glass and monkey shit splattered everywhere, courtesy of the bridesmaids, who,

though now sedated, dressed, crated up and ferried

to the Temple for tonight’s ceremony, had not gone

without a struggle.

At the other end of the pool, a mattress that had caught fire

and been dragged out of one of the bedrooms but not

properly extinguished, was still sluggishly smoldering,

giving the air an oily, dirty haze.

Apparently unconcerned, the mattress’s owner,

a heavy barbiturate user, had followed the mattress

and rescue team out to the pool area

and had subsequently curled up and gone

back to sleep again on the unburnt portion.

Or they might have been dead.

At that moment I didn’t much feel like

wading thru monkey shit to find out.


I could deal with all this, I thought.

I could even deal with reading the insane

and ugly rumours in Celebrity magazines,

like the one that said my affianced

had recently been removed by a New York gynecologist

from Lady Gaga’s uterus, where she had somehow

become lodged during the last tour. Or that

she always carried with her in a handbag , a jar

containing the foetus of her dead conjoined twin.

I could, reluctantly, deal with the constant, poisonous, whining presence of the entourage of Hollywood

white trash she trailed behind her like

the gaseous tail of a dysfunctional comet.

But I couldn’t deal with..

section deleted at insistence of Cyrus Trust Lawyers. that, frankly, my affianced was starting

to give me the shits.

It was all “make sweeet love to me, Jerry” one minute

and the next it’s “Jerry!

Suck the Scorpion poison out of my butt”.

And, tho it might seem petty in my position,

me being a “kept man” and all,

but it pissed me off that she still

couldn’t remember my name.

As well, she had a range of irritating nervous tics

that you typically see in the mannerisms repertoire

of obsessive-compulsives, or people who have done

too many Methylamphetamines.

Like the way she’d pull her hair out one strand

at a time till bald patches started appearing,

or the way she’d start picking away

at the imaginary bugs under her skin,

over and over again

until she started to bleed.

It got to the point where, as the only responsible adult

in the Cyrus Compound not bound by contract

to acquiesce to her every transient whim,

I felt that I really should do something.

So I stole a Taser from one of the Security guys and warned Miley I was going to demonstrate my Grandmotherly Kindness by zapping her with it every time she started picking at those damn scabs again.

But I’m a sentimental old fool,

and when it became apparent, after

giving her a few trial tastes of the Taser,

that she still wouldn’t be able to stop herself,

I was too soft hearted to continue

with the Aversion Therapy.

(Even though I must admit

I sort of enjoyed the little squealing noises

she made whenever I shocked her.

I know. It was cruel,

but I’d had a hard day and was feeling

kind of irritable myself.)


So instead I used an old trick I learned

from way back when I was working as

a Psychiatric Nurse. This technique was useful

for a number of situations, for example;

if we needed to stop some retarded-vegetable-lunatic

from persistently scratching themselves

(or “touching”other patients).

So, waiting till she passed out for one of

the ten minute spells of unconsciousness

that passed for “sleep” in her world,

I took the opportunity to pull socks over her hands and wrists,

tying string securely around her wrists

to prevent her taking them off.

She freaked out at first when she woke up

and thought she’d lost all her fingers to leprosy

or some other exotic, foreign type of disease

she’d vaguely heard rumours about.

But I calmed her down by sewing buttons onto the socks

and turning them into sock-puppets.

After that she was quite happy with the new arrangement,

and could amuse herself for hours conducting imaginary conversations in squeaky voices.

If anything she became a little too attached to Alice and Jeffrey

(the sock puppets) and increasingly chose to communicate

with the outside world only through their agency. Actually,

it was starting to freak me out; it was a little like

being in one of those old horror movies where

the ventriloquist’s body starts being taken over

by the malevolent demon-dummy’s spirit;

Clack! clack! clack!

The wooden jaw snaps shut!

My Fiancée’s doll-like,

glossy black eyes roll in my direction and..

santa Muerte

..I wake screaming from my nightmare,

covered in sweat.

Miley’s tame Puerto Rican dwarf,

a short but menacing presence, was standing,

next to me. Despite the absence of horses

in the Cyrus Compound, she was wearing Jodhpurs,

knee-length boots and carried the riding crop

with which she’d awoken me.

Clack! Clack! Clack!

She rapidly rapped the arm of my recliner

again with the crop.

“HEY! You! Gringo piece of shit! Get up!

Time to go marry Miss Miley!

Helicopter hee–er for last time..just you and me porca diablo! (spits) Everyone waiting at temple for you.”


She viciously rapped the riding crop

on the chair-arm one more time for emphasis..

“You better be good husband to Miss Miley

or I cut you bad Gringo.”

She strode off towards the landing pad muttering something about someone called Santa Muerte. Possibly a relative of hers,

who knows? Who cares.

All I knew was that I suddenly realised I’d lost

my last chance to escape and slip away unnoticed.

Now Miley was waiting impatiently for me

at the temple, and I knew the dwarf, out of pure spite, would

never let me escape

even though she loathed my presence.

The dwarf had been trouble from the start

and now I had to share a helicopter ride

with her in a Third-World country.

Could be trouble coming up ahead, I thought wisely to myself,

and plotted accordingly..

Miley's psychotically jealous dwarf was trouble from the start

Miley’s psychotically jealous dwarf was trouble from the start


MILEY & ME Pt3; Our Secret Wedding




tai chi hand strawberry circle

The Reverend Hellfire..

..They seek him here, they seek him there..



•July 27, 2014 • 2 Comments
A relieved Rescue Team share a joke with a now apparently blind Reverend Hellfire

A relieved Rescue Team share a joke with a now apparently blind Reverend Hellfire

Reverend Rescued!

Church bells sounded across the land today in token of Thanks

as the electric news spread of the discovery and recovery

of the missing firebrand preacher and poet, the Reverend Hellfire, whose mysterious disappearance these past two weeks has sent shudders of speculation rippling thru three continents..

Discovered in the roomy boot of an associates 71 Chrysler,

the severely dehydrated and disoriented Reverend

was whisked away by his team

prior to the gruelling round of speaking engagements

that had been booked in his absence, pending his anticipated return..

Explaining exactly how it was that the Reverend was not discovered previously in the intervening two weeks, the vehicles owner,

MZ Seary blithely informed Sunday Sermons that;


“Driving an old Chrysler around

you get used to hearing strange

bumping and knocking sounds,

and yes, even the occasional scream

or muffled groan.

You just start to ignore the odd

little mechanical noises after awhile.

On this occasion I naturally assumed

that the Reverend’s heartrending pleas for water

were merely the carburettor acting up again.”


The 71 Chrysler in whose roomy boot the Reverend Hellfire was ultimately found.

The 71 Chrysler in whose roomy boot the Reverend Hellfire was ultimately found.

“Darkness. Then Light, then Darkness.”

The joy of the Reverend’s discovery is tempered only by the horror of rumours that all that remain of his formerly piercing eyes are burnt out sockets!

Though aides remain tight-lipped, these disturbing rumours are apparently confirmed by the only known picture of the Reverend since his return.

WE still don’t know the full story,” one minor Aide

on the edge of the Inquiry confided on condition of anonymity,

after $20 was passed under the counter,

” ..But the Reverend now only speaks and answers questions

phrased in the ancient Aramaic language,

and frankly, Google-Translator isn’t worth shit

when it comes to dead-languages

“We’re getting someone up from Canberra to translate but until that time we still can’t explain what happened.

..all we have to go on are the words

we found scrawled in red lipstick

on the inside of the roomy boot where he was confined.”

Sunday Sermons are told the writing says:

“Darkness.. then Light. Then Darkness.”

His Personal Assistant has apparently

identified the handwriting as being indentical to

that of the Reverend.

Speculation is rife that the Reverend H. was blinded

from staring at the sun for many hours

whilst high on LSD, as users of that scheduled narcotic

are habitually said to do..


“They’re like moths with the bright light,” said someone who identified themselves as, “Sheryl”, when we rang renowned “Alcohol and Drug” Counselling Service, “Drug Arm”,

for further information.

“All LSD users are drawn to bright lights

and will remain staring at them for hours.

They usually follow the Moon at night

but this little fella probably got distracted by the city lights

on his annual migratory flight.

This time of year you often find them banged up

against the side of tall buildings with lots of lights.”


Has the Reverend been in touch with Powers from Above?

Has the Reverend been in touch with Powers from Above?

Other followers however believe that the Reverend’s blindness

is the result of receiving a Holy Vision,

too bright for mortal eyes to sustain

without receiving some physical injury,and that now,

like the legendary poet and prophet Tiresias,

he has been gifted by the gods with the gift of foreknowledge.

Likewise there is no doubt that, after death,

like Tiresias before him, the Reverend’s shade

will remain conscious and self-aware,

a lonely sentinel of sentience, striding proudly

amongst the numberless, nameless phantoms

who have forgotten everything they were.

Heir to the Cyrus Billions-Miley Cyrus.

Heir to the Cyrus Billions-Miley Cyrus.

Or maybe it was just a “friendly warning”

after all from the Cyrus Trust,

pressuring the Reverend to

renounce his wedding to pop sensation, Miley Cyrus.

Or Maybe Doctor Bob was right all along

and the Saucer People came back?

The answers at this stage are unclear.

Follow Sunday Sermons for future developments…

tai chi hand negative green button


beautiful JPIGreduced


And on right now if you’re in Brisburgh….

Kurilpa place setter for2014JUly W frame


tai chi hand strawberry circle

The Reverend Hellfire..

He’s back!!!


SEARCH FOR REV WIDENS! Mystery Blonde Questioned!

•July 20, 2014 • Leave a Comment


UFOs, bloody cult rituals, corporate assassins, mysterious femme fatales, an industrial relations dispute.. what is the true story lying behind the recent disappearance of the Reverend Hellfire?

laughing wendy




Mystery Blonde questioned

over “Missing Minister”!



Sources close to the Investigation into the disappearance of

beloved poet, performer and Paganistic Prophet, Reverend Hellfire, revealed today that a “Mystery Blonde” seen with the Reverend shortly before his disappearance, had been called in for questioning.

The woman in question has been identified as Wendy Seary,

a nightclub chanteuse formerly associated with such notorious underground “rock” groups as “Pineapples from the Dawn of Time“, “SPANK” and “Loves-A-Blur.”

It has also been confirmed that she is currently singing for a band with the suspiciously eldritch name of “CTHULHU“.


Investigators believe the band’s name reflects Mz Seary’s position as on office holder in the upper echelons

of the Deagon-Deviation branch of the secretive

Church of Starry Wisdom“.

The CSW has long been suspected of being a front for the hideous Cthulhu Cult, whose loathsome and degraded practices have been suppressed in every decent, civilised society.

The Reverend has been a steadfast and public opponent of the Cthulhu Cult in the past and as a result has received numerous anonymous threats and warnings to: “Be Silent or Die“.

Some now fear that the Reverend himself may have ended up as a human sacrifice to the “Great Old Ones”, in one of the Cult’s loathesome and bloody rituals.

ugly mudmask


Enigmatic Personal Assistant Linda Loop

Enigmatic Personal Assistant Linda Loop arrives at the Inquiry.

Also questioned today was the Rev’s Personal Assistant, the strangely enigmatic Linda Loop, who, in a touching, if naive display of employee loyalty, steadfastly maintained

her belief in the Reverends survival.

“I’m sure”, She said coyly, “that even if someone,

say..ooh, a disgruntled employee with a grudge,

had drugged him, transported his unconscious body in the roomy boot of something like a a 71 Chrysler for example and

were to have left him naked, gagged,

blindfolded and bound to a tree in dense rainforest,

he will probably have managed to gnaw

his way thru the ropes, and is even now limping,

bruised and naked, towards civilization.

He’s a cunning little monster so I wouldn’t be surprised

if he’s even managed to clothe himself by now

from someone’s clothes hoist.”

“Of course all this is just speculation“, she purred demurely,

“but I’m sure that, if such were the case,

should he survive the experience,

future employer/employee relations

will be conducted on a much firmer basis

of mutual understanding and respect“.

Laughing 3 suspects


But in other developments,

suggestions have been made to the ongoing Investigation,

that the Reverend may have been kidnapped by Aliens

from another world.

It’s January 2001 all over again!

a long time associate of the Reverend,

the respected chemical engineer known

only as “Dr Bob” asserted, “They came back for him..

I knew They would.. it was only a matter of Time..

he shouldn’t have removed the implant..

They don’t like it when you do that!”

The Doctor is believed to be referring to a mysterious incident that occurred in January 2001 in dense bushland, when he and the Reverend were witnesses to a UFO Close encounter

whilst searching for an earlier Doof west of Ipswich. 

The Reverend has written of this experience himself


in the Sunday Sermons column, and of dealing with the consequences following that Incident, including

 the detection and removal of Alien implants.

“The circumstances are just too similar

to the previous incident”, Dr Bob told investigators,

“It can’t just be co-incidence..

I believe The Reverend has been abducted and is no longer on this planet.”

While the new lead is not being actively pursued at this time,

Authorities have detained Doctor Bob and placed him in a secure facility for further observation and testing.

Docktor Bob's rendition of the Mystery UFO of 2001

Docktor Bob’s rendition of the Mystery UFO of 2001


Who is the mystery woman seen with blonde Cult Priestess Wendy Seary? Is the lobster a "ritual object" of worship?

Who is the mystery woman seen here with blonde Cult Priestess Wendy Seary? Is the lobster a “ritual object” of Cult Worship?

Yet to be identified by the Investigation into the Reverend Hellfire’s disappearance, is a third “mystery woman” seen in his company at a “Bush-Doof” in the early hours of July 13.

The dreadlocked “Third Woman“, is said to be of a somewhat feral appearance but, “very friendly” in manner.When last spotted she apparently had a lion entangled in her dreadlocks.

Mourning Loved Ones have urged her

to step forward and share with investigators

any information she may have

on the Reverend’s movements in his last hours.


I was worried that Miley's sweet, simple nature would be corrupted by the Music Industry

The Heir to the Cyrus Trusts’ Weapons-Systems and Entertainment-Ventures Conglomerate, now said to be worth  Billions, became “Mrs Miley Hellfire” at a secret Balinese Wedding.

In a startling development, Investigators in

the “Case of the Missing Reverend”

today interviewed Senior Executives representing

the powerful Cyrus Trust Foundation,

the multi-billion dollar,

Entertainment and Small-Arms Manufacturing Corporation.

In the weeks before his disappearance, the Reverend was at the centre of a Media Frenzy over revelations of his secret Balinese Wedding to notorious pop celebrity Miley Cyrus,

heir to the Cyrus Billions.

A recent injunction by lawyers representing the Cyrus Trust, to prevent Reverend Hellfire from publishing his reminiscences of his time together with the troubled young Popstar, is currently before the courts, and sources speculate that the high-profile case may lie behind the controversial religious leader’s disappearance.

“There’s millions resting on this case”,

one anonymous phone-informant told the Sunday Sermons Office, “Its very convenient for the Trust

that he’s disappeared just Now. A little too convenient

if you know what I mean.

It’s cheaper for the Cyrus Trust

to arrange for an ‘Irritant’ to have an ‘accident’

than to have to settle with them out of court”.

“Oh Man.. the Trust!” our informant whispered furtively

before abruptly hanging up,

“you don’t want to fuck with those way! 

Last known photo of the Reverend on Tambourine Mountain

Last known photo of the Reverend on Tambourine Mountain


2 WRONGS w Title


tai chi hand

The Reverend Hellfire was a practising Performance Poet,

an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism and the Church of the Universe,

as well as President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity Inc.

Absinth maketh the heart grow blonder.



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