Fresh from Sunday School, the Reverend shares
this heart-warming, family-friendly fable from the vaults.
Parental Guidance recommended.
TALES FOR CHILDREN
Mr Frogs Heavy Scene
Once upon a time Mr Frog was sitting on a lily pad in his favourite swamp, minding his own business, when,
all of a sudden down swooped Mr Pelican in a blinding fury
of flapping feathers and snapping jaws!
Only by gripping on tightly to the beak’s edge,
and wedging himself in the corner of Mr Pelican’s bill,
was the wily amphibian able to prevent himself from being swallowed down whole.
“Hey Dude!”, snarled the struggling Frog,
“Why fuck my day?!”
“Look man..I’m just doing my job”, explained Mr Pelican,
as he attempted to scrape off bits of frog against a sharp rock,
“Don’t take it personal..it’s not like I’ve got anything against you People.. I’m not prejudiced or anything, but I’ve got a wife and a nest full of kids waiting for me to come home and regurgitate some predigested frog down their throats. I’ve got obligations, Froggie”.
“What a cop out!”, sneered the Frog, “using the pretext of Social Obligation to avoid accepting Moral Responsibility for the repercussions of your own individual actions. Everyone has kids! So what? Dr Goebbels had kids, and as a Good Family Man he used Rat-Poison to fulfill his societal obligations! That’s what rigid adherence to strict societal norms will do for you. You should read some Nietzsche, bird-brain.. Ain’t you heard of Free Will?”
“Free Will don’t pay the bills..down you go Froggie!!”
“But can’t you see that this Utilitarian outlook of yours is a philosophical dead end??”
“Mrragghhh..must eat Frog..unng” the bird grunted around the obstruction wedged in it’s throat.
It was becoming clear that Mr Pelican was not a deep thinker. Mr Frog decided to change tack..
“But wait! You can’t just KILL me..I..I’m another person for god’sake! I have feelings and a Soul and a Mother and Hopes and Dreams! If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you swallow me, am I not fucked Big-time?”
“Come on, give me a break..can’cha go eat some Worms or something? Worms don’t even have a central nervous system yet alone a Personality!”
“Or Krill!”, the desperate amphibian continued, “How about a Krill diet? No moral conflict there, even hard-core Jains who’ve given up water in case it contains microbes and use cow-dung for wallpaper will eat Krill. There’s not enuff ‘Entry Level’ Sentience in a bucket-load of Krill
to even animate a Talk-show host!”
“Don’t go Anthropomorphic on me Frog!” Mr Pelican pompously replied, “By assigning human feelings and attributes to a lower Life-Form you’re merely projecting your own value system and romanticising the food chain.
It just goes to show how divorced from Reality you latte sipping, inner-city Socialist-greenie types are”.
Mr Frog launched his last gambit..
“Wait! Wait! If you’re not prepared to accept personal responsibility for your actions, you could at least be a Good Bloke and do me a last favour”.
The predatory Pelican paused mid-gulp, the amphibian pinned tightly in his clenched beak..
“Well.. ok”, said Mr Pelican, who was always pathetically eager to be considered a Good Bloke,
“But no tricks! What do you want Frog?”
“Thanks mate! I need to scratch this really bad itch.. could I just rub my groin up and down here against the edge of your beak for a bit? All this stress is really making my Herpes blisters bubble up again. Actually, I think one may have burst..”
Gagging and spluttering, Mr Pelican spat the virally infested amphibian into the bushes and flew away to look for some antiseptic mouth-wash.
And so, tired but happy, Mr Frog hopped home, relieved that his negligence in seeking medical treatment for his distasteful Social Disease had had such beneficial results.
And the Moral (if you could call it that) of the Story is this;
“LOVE YOUR DISEASE,
IT COULD BE KEEPING YOU HEALTHY!”
The Reverend Hellfire is a practised Performance Poet,
President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity Inc,
and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism
AND the Church of the Universe.
Some sort of wacko.