SPAM, SCAM, Thank you MA’AM!


Reverend Hellfire-a face you can trust.

Spam Scam? Thank You Ma’am!

“Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

Wonderful Spam!” –Monty Pythons flying Circus


I must confess that lately I’ve

become a connoisseur of Spam.

Not the mutant meat by-product, but

the e-mail kind of thing,

especially the ones that try

and pull some dodgy sort of scam

that parts you from

your identity or money.


Yes, good old spam mail,

that cultural cholesterol clogging the net.

(One day there’ll be so much at once we’ll

have a cyber stroke.)

Most of the Scams course are merely dull

and show no imagination.

(Yawn! Either I’ve won the Irish Sweepstakes

or my bank wants me to confirm

my pin number yet again. Does

anyone at all believe this shit?)


No, I like the ones that show a bit

of Weird Creativity to their Scamming.

Fantastic claims! Unlikely and complex scenarios!

Yes I like those cyber-scams

where unimagined worlds come swarming into view.

Like when they offered me a share

of Saddam Hussein’s buried gold!

Or the time they told me I had a controlling option

in an international diamond smuggling Operation.

AH! How their offers set my mind afire

with untold possibilities!


Now, I know it’s only encouraging them,

but sometimes I like to write back,

inspired to spout my own line of fantasies.

I like to let them think I’m interested

in their dubious proposal while

trying to convince them of the reality

of my own bizarre claims.

On this basis,

I once became engaged to a Nubian Princess,

for two and a half weeks.

(There were some ‘political problems’ to be sorted out

but then She’d inherit her father’s throne

and we could settle down to a long & prosperous reign),

Inevitably negotiations broke down

in a welter of confusion & bad feeling,

but while it lasted

I cut a picture of some fearsome tribal girl

out of an old National Geographic

and put it in my wallet.

Then I walked around showing people “my affianced.”

(When they displayed doubt I just produced selected emails. I

loved to see the uncertainty dancing in their eyes,

as they wondered whether

to believe my lies.)


Other times I like to write back and point out

the Spammers’ spelling errors and

various grammatic flaws,

or the little inconsistencies of logic

that marred their presentation.

I’d patiently explain why their ludicrous proposals

didn’t work for me,

and suggest ways they could improve their pitch.

Sadly, none have ever paid or thanked me

for beta-testing their product.

Indeed, mostly they don’t write back at all

so I’m not even sure if they take my advice

or use my twisted stories for their scams.

Ah! What an amazing rush it would be

to be spammed by one of my own preposterous Routines!

To know that my Creation

was existing out there in the cyber world,

independent as a virus,

enriching lives around the globe.

You’d feel like a parent feels watching their child

take its first few steps,

or as proud as God must have felt

when They saw humans had learned to procreate.

So Yes! Go forth and multiply!

Enrich dull lives with fantastic imaginings!

And if lonely pensioners in caravan parks

give you their life savings,

who’s to say they’re not getting their money’s worth?

Who am I to criticise? After all

you didn’t ask them to be gullible.

Oh wait,

you did.


I've lost my affianced's picture but this girl looks pretty plausible




The Reverend Hellfire is a practising Performance Poet and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanists AND the Church of the Universe. When drunk he likes to quote Walt Whitman,

“There will soon be no more priests.Their work is done. Everyone will be their own priest & the new breed of poets will be the interpreters of men & women and of all events and things!”

Other times he prefers to quote William Burroughs;

“Never trust a religious son of a bitch!”




~ by reverendhellfire on February 5, 2012.

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