Professional Agony Aunt the Reverend Hellfire
demonstrates the ” Velvet Fist in an Iron Glove” approach


As an ordained Minister I take my Pastoral Work seriously, and over the years I have done my fair share of counselling & comforting the Disturbed and the Distressed. I have also learned, however, that sometimes there are people who can’t be helped, and indeed, shouldn’t be encouraged. Yes, in the vast, glittering galaxy of Humanity there are swirling Emotional-Black-Holes of the Psyche that swallow everything in reach of their gravitational pull. Best not to stand too close.



I’d listened to hours of self-obsessed drone,

a never-ending tale of being depressed and alone.

(Not that he’d try to ever change his Condition,

he’d rather recite his woes in endless repetition.)

So tired of playing the Agony Aunt,

I finally interrupted this self-indulgent rant:


“Hey”, I said, “cheer up!


your not going to get a girlfriend

with your attitude to personal hygeine,

but there’s other things in Life

aside from Sex!

There’s Money and Addiction

and the Internet as Interests.

Why, you could try

gambling on-line and involve all three

at the same time!

Anyway, let’s be Realistic,

the only girls who’d go for you

would have to be Insane,

and who wants a crazy girlfriend?

Well, aside from me that is.


your a very-lazy-man.

I admire that,

I truly do,

but do you really have the energy

to commit to sustain a relationship?

For example; sometimes

you’d have to engage in conversation

when you’d rather be looking at the cricket on T.V.

Why don’t you take up an interest

in pornography instead?

Indeed, you could look online

and involve the Internet and Addiction

(your other Interests) as well.

And how about Over-Eating?

You could develop a “weight problem”,

I hear that helps to pass the time,

and they have groups

where you could meet

others of your kind.”


“Anyways,” I then concluded,

” best of luck and I hope

that this advice on what to do,

proves to be of some small benefit

and assistance now to you.”


Well my advice must have proved

of some worth to my friend,

because he certainly hasn’t

been complaining again.



And for those of my readers living in my approximate geographical locale, check out the following up-coming event featuring yours truly…

For more details on this fabulous event check out the Kurilpa Poets site, The Water-Rat Gazette at


The Reverend Hellfire is a practising Performance Poet and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanists AND the Church of the Universe.

He doesn’t mind if people burn books,

as long as they’re not burning the authors as well.



~ by reverendhellfire on July 22, 2012.

2 Responses to “AGONY AUNT”

  1. Loved the poem. I, too, worked in the ‘helping professions’ as a counsellor for many years, and know only too well the black holes that suck as much as they can from those who might help them – if they realy wanted help.

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