The Reverend Hellfire is in Mourning and unable to produce his usual sermon, so this week, because of its extreme topicality, we have reprinted his Modest Proposal for Drugs in Sport. The Reverend has kindly provided  an updated prologuethe Reverend Hellfire in Contemplation

Drugs in Sport; A modest proposal


Ho ho ho! I’ve been vastly amused by the furor erupting in the Australian media this week over the whole Drugs/Sport/ Organised Crime scandal. Reading between the lines it is clear to me that the Government authorities main concern, despite their pious anti-drug bleatings, is the “match- fixing” angle. The Government makes a lot of money out of taxing legal gambling, so they are keen to regain the Publics confidence so that the TAB continues to pull in a healthy profit. Yes the Sport Industry (and it is mainly an industry)as a whole must regain consumer confidence to keep making the Big Bucks.

Yes for all the emphasis Australian Society puts on Sport as being a positive, healthy, “cure-all”, Role-modelling sort of activity, it seems to me that everytime you open a paper or flick on the TV, you see some Sporting “Celebrity” getting busted for Crimes & Misdemeanours relating to chemicals.

Either they’re pumping themselves up on bizarre concoctions of lizard hormones and just-synthesized-steroids, or they’re getting drunk and publicly humiliating themselves in public spaces like night-clubs, car-parks and libraries. (I often ask myself if its actually possible for a football player to go out socialising and not end up being arrested for being a drunken idiot.)

And in the aftermath of their careers many a burnt out athlete ends up on the supply side, getting busted for dealing one thing or another, from Ecstasy to Steroids.

So considering the actual relationship between drugs and sporting celebrities as it exists today, you wonder why politicians, religious types and reformers of all stripes keep insisting that spending more money on Sport will somehow keep the kids “off the drugs” and out of trouble. Evidence would suggest the contrary is true. Rugby League in particular has always been a sub-culture of drunken, aggressive yobbo’s, even before they added steroids and speed to the mix.



Anyways, Recreational Drugs is one thing, but “Performance Enchancing Drugs” is another Frankenstein’s Monster of an issue altogether.. With so much money being spent and made on Sport, the pressure to employ some Dr Strangelove to administer magic potions is strong. After all, winning is everything these days, you don’t see a losers face on the side of a box of breakfast cereal do you,

even if they are drug free.

So cutting-edge has the science of the multi-million dollar Sport-drug Industry become, that drug enchanced medal winners may hold onto their title for up to ten years before they’re finally busted for being drug cheats; it taking that long for Official Sporting testing bodies to catch up with the products churned out by the “black-labs”. Some sports, like the Tour-de-France, are so drug riddled as to become world-wide laughing stocks. And no-ones even surprised anymore when some sports “woman” turns into a sports “man’ after years of intensive, er, training. East Germany and China are not the only guilty parties here.

So they have Elite Athletes both Amateur and Professional pissing into more test-tubes than a prize race horse, yet Sporting Authorities Canute-like are still unable to turn the tide of freshly created drugs, hormones, steroids & chemicals.

My friends, in the light of the current desperate situation might I therefore suggest a Modest Proposal?


I believe that there should be two seperate Olympic Games held simultaneously, call them for now, the “Straight” Olympics and the “Drug” Olympics, or perhaps, using terms less loaded, the Original Olympic Games and the Enchanced Olympic Games. Similarly with the other sporting bodies, be it football or cricket, we merely establish two seperate divisions, the “Straight” League and the “Drug” League.

Its a logical move, like dividing Sport into Amateur and Professional, or indeed establishing a “Handicapped Olympics” for disabled Athletes.

Thus the Original Olympics will be au naturale and sans drugs on pain of death. The Enchanced Olympics competitors can take whatever hellbroth of chemicals and stimulants they like in the name of achieving the Ultimate Performance. Cigarette and alchohol companies can advertise and sponsor to their hearts content, and government can wax fat on the taxes.

Consider it a test case for Social Darwinism in Sport, (which after all, at its heart is a Competitive Activity)-and let the Fittest survive! Yes and this experiment is completely in tune with the ethics of both laiss’ez-faire Capitalism and Libertarian Self-determination. Ha.

Indeed, I suspect that this Social Experiment will provide us with some interesting data over a period of time. We’ll be able to compare the careers, longetivity, health, wealth and sanity of athletes following either the straight or the enchanced route. Yes the results should be positively beneficial, in the long run, from a societal point of view. There will of course be casualties on both sides, but Sport has always taken a heavy toll on its devotee’s.

Take for example the prestige sport of the Original Olympics, the four horse chariot race. By prestige I mean it was a rich mans sport, like yachting today, for only a rich man could afford to maintain the stables and equipment to compete. The races were exciting and deadly. Many’s the time the track was littered with the broken bodies of dead and dying horses and men, and the splinters of broken chariots. The Owners meanwhile watched from the stands, out of harms way, waiting to graciously accept their prize. They could always hire more drivers. 


Maybe as a result of long years of chemical and biological experimentation the Drug Olympics will show Humanity the way forward into a glorious symbiotic Future where Science and Technology will expand the human potential and we will develop hithero unsuspected capabilities. We will create an enchanced human form capable of surviving on the strange and hostile environments of alien planets. we will all end up taking cocktails of chemicals and hormones to enchance our existence to the maximum. Sort of like over-clocking a computer, I guess.

Or maybe we’ll end up with a growing subclass of burnt-out mutant-zombie former athletes, stumbling around with hairy palms and glazed eyes and nippples growing down their back- a cautionary example for all those wishing to ride the chemical super-highway to Sporting Celebrity-hood.

Or in the end perhaps their fate will be more banal and it will be just as the wowsers warned, that the winners of the Drug Olympics will have the life-long gnawing frustration, of never knowing if they could have done it on their own.


Warning! This weeks Squarey is rated <R>. It’s also not very funny but otherwise its great.

sight gag



The Reverend Hellfire is..(complete in fifty words or less)


~ by reverendhellfire on February 10, 2013.

4 Responses to “DRUGS IN SPORT”

  1. The Reverend Hellfire is a blogger’s blog to look forward to reading…

  2. The drive to win is so strong in some athletes, that it overides everything else. Their life is totally immersed in training and they would do ANYTHING to win. There is nothing else important to them, any future past their goal does not exist. They do not understand that the Olympics are not the only focus of everybody’s mind. Sound psychotic, and perhaps it is. But for the Olympians it is necessary. I know.

    • They sound like politicians.. or drug addicts, hee hee.
      This rant may be disguised as satire, but personally I’m deadly serious- I really think there should be an “augmented” or “drug” Olympics where people athletes are free tpo take whatever they want, be it recreational or for professional reasons.But then I’m what’s been described as “an extreme libertarian” so no-one listens to me. But if I could get someone like Clive Palmer to back my Project..

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