Following last nights election results the Reverend has gone into hiding. This is his last known communique before dropping off the net.

rudd abbott coles woolworthsWTH TEXTJPIG vsn 


Democracy..ya gotta love it!


My International followers will forgive me, I hope, if today’s sermon descends into parochial parish politics. But I feel the need to divest myself of a few thoughts about the ongoing process and perhaps some useful general knowledge will be gleaned from observing the small pond (or as we call it; billabong) of Australian Politics. Think of it as a wildlife documentary.

Who is the biggest frog in the pond? This is the question gripping the Media’s attention. There are many contenders, each puffed up with arrogance and conceit. (Cut to a press conference where Joe Hockey’s throat swells and thrums with indignation. Asked a hostile question, he rapidly inflates and deflates his throat bladder whilst wobbling his cheek flaps in a display of dominance). But clearly Tony Abbot and Kevin Rudd have clambered to the top of the amphibious heap with their powerful hind-legs.

There they indulge in a mating display of Ritual Combat, as they battle to court the receptive Australian Electorate’s interest. The successful candidate then mates with the Electorate, passing on their political DNA. Later the Electorate lays their eggs by the side of the billabong (“where his ghost may be heard”) and the Circle of Life is complete.

Down the shallow end of the pond are the smaller political parties, many of whom are so new they have yet to shed their gills and tail, though many already have limbs. A good number of Australians will be voting for the minor parties not for love but out of sheer bastardry. Despising both the major parties only slightly less than small-pox, its become a grand Australian tradition to fill the Senate with lunatics from the fringe parties, purely to make life hell for the Governing mob of nit-wits.(whoever they may be).

The major parties of course hate the minor parties more than they hate each other, which makes it even more fun to vote for them. Tony Abbott has been threatening dire punishments for all those who vote for the minors. Indeed, he has sternly warned us that if we go too far and deny him unfettered power then he’ll be picking up his bat and ball and going home.

With a threat like that, who can resist?

"I voted for Clive"

“I voted for Clive”

It must be said there’s also a certain perverse attraction to voting for the Palmer United Party (owner and proprietor: Clive Palmer). A man who builds giant dinosaurs and life-size replica’s of the Titanic will at least keep us entertained. Besides he’s probably the only person who can single-handedly pay off Australia’s debt.

Really I suppose I should vote for the HEMP candidate out of tribal loyalty, but I don’t get the respect as a senior party elder that I feel I deserve. Why wasn’t I invited to the party launch? Ingrates!

Could always vote for Bob Katter’s party (owner and proprietor: Bob Katter) for laughs I suppose. But while I approve of his hat wearing and right-to-boil-a-billy-without-a-permit stance, I don’t approve of his “branding the foreheads of homosexuals with the letter H” policy.

You’d think some one like me would vote for the Greens, (no owner or proprietor; they’re structured like a vege co-op) wouldn’t you. You really would. But..Meh. Oh well my preference trail will probably end with them.

I could always vote for a real mob of lunatics, like the Rise-Up-Australia party, who appear at first glance to be even weirder than the cosmic-ray worshipping Citizens Electoral Council. Or there’s the Hunting, Shooting, Fishing and Killing Party with their policy of defending the right to go fishing with dynamite in National Parks.

Or maybe I should just pick the one with the funniest name.

I’ll probably just do what I usually do and work my way up from the bottom. That is I start by giving the lowest preference number to the candidate I hate the most, (Liberal Party. Owner & proprietor; Rupert Murdoch), then I work my way up through degrees of hate, dislike and contempt, emerging at last into mild disdain and the Winners by default.

At all events for the Senate I’ll certainly be constructing the most complicated, unlikely preference spread I can devise. I like to make the scrutineers earn their money.

Election grafitti from Pompeii..Of course we're not living under a volcano..

Election grafitti from Pompeii..Of course we’re not living under a volcano..

Actually I’ll be glad when the election is over and all the trucks with loudspeakers flooding my electorate, ordering me to vote for Tony Abbott, will go away. For I have the misfortune to reside in Kevin’s electorate, a prime political plum, and, unlike most of the Australian electorate, I actually do choose whether to vote for Kevin Rudd. (Labor Party; currently in receivership)

Most Australians have no idea how their electoral system works, the ignorant bloody yahoos, and many actually think they vote to directly choose the Prime Minister. Attempting to explain the Westminster System of Government to them just makes their eyes glaze over; It’s no use. They’ve watched too much Sky-news and it’s sucked out their brains.. They think they’re voting for a President. (Again I say, ignorant bloody yahoos.)

Never underestimate the stupidity of the Australian electorate.

They’ll believe anything if the Australian or the Telegraph tells them that it’s so enough times.

As for the Environment, Global Warming and the various ecological disasters looming on our doorstep, if nothing else this election has shown that the Australian electorate doesn’t want to think about it. It’s too hard. It might cost them money. So what if their grandkids live in a post-apocalyptic hell hole, it doesn’t affect us now, so who cares about ‘intergenerational equity’, we’re all right, Jack!.

So the Environment is going to have to look after itself for awhile, we’re too busy whinging that the gas bill went up a few dollars. Boo hoo. Poor us.

For it’s also worth remembering that not only is the average Australian voter ignorant and stupid, but they are also deeply selfish. (Hey! Prove me wrong!)

A final observation; the Liberals keep bellowing about needing stable government.

Now I don’t want to be a neigh-sayer, but everytime I hear Tony Abbott talking about the need for stable government,

for some reason all I can think of is an image of a horse’s hindquarters sticking out of a barn.

Go figure.

Stable Government?

Stable Government?


2 WRONGS w Title



The Reverend Hellfire is a practising Performance Poet, President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity Inc., and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism AND the Church of the Universe.

Prop. pending.



~ by reverendhellfire on September 8, 2013.

2 Responses to “AUSTRALIAN POLITICS 2013”

  1. Odd as it may seem, my voting pattern was strangely similar to the one described in your post. How I hope those minor parties in the Senate stick it to the majors!

    • Many feel the same way, overall the “minor” parties got their highest percentage of the vote ever, eschewing the majors in their droves. Lets hope that carries through into the senate results.

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