A Date with Miley Cyrus

I won a date with Miley Cyrus.

Its true. I won a competition on the radio.

They hadn’t told me what the prize was but anyway

a couple of Minders in suits turned up first

and made me sign

a bunch of contracts

promising not to do anything illegal, immoral

or disreputable with Miley etc, etc

but we ditched the suit-guys after the first night-club

by climbing out thru the toilet window.

“They never let me have fun,” she hissed.

“They’re worse than my probation officer.”


We went to a series of increasingly dubious establishments

with names like “GrindBitch” and “Cum Cum!

where she seemed to know all the staff by their first names

and the type of genital piercings they favoured..

My memories start to become a bit disjointed

at this point, (I think Miley put something in my drink),

and of course we didn’t have the limo anymore

but we could always hire taxis. We would have hired

just one ideally, but she

kept getting into insane arguments with the drivers

and thus we found ourselves repeatedly dumped

onto the footpath in dangerously deserted neighbourhoods,

watching personal safety dissappear along with the rear lights

while Miley shrieked a tirade of vile if entertaining abuse.


Then we found a taxi driver who was crazy too

and seemed keen to drive someone famous around all night

at whatever the cost.

Indeed I grew a little jealous of the dubious whispering alliance

that seemed to develop between Miley

and the driver but what could I say,

I was a mere competition winner and

we needed transport and he was still game even after

Miley’s bouts of projectile vomiting

had streaked the side of the taxi

with long, greenish smears of vegan slime..


At the last night-club we went to,

as we were snorting some sort of white powder

in a cubicle in the Ladies, Miley

said she’d give me a blow job,

but only if the creepy Peruvian guy

in the cubicle with us could film us

in Hi Def format

so she could upload it onto her blog.

I was tempted despite my better judgment but then

the drunk Phillipino stripper (who was

also in the cubicle with us and the creepy peruvian guy) said

she knew a really good crack-house

so we all got into the taxi again to go there

but then she said we couldn’t come in but

to give her the money and wait out here in

the taxi but

after she didn’t come out again after an hour or so Miley

got the Peruvian guy to go into the crack-house

to get our money back but we drove off after

we heard gunshots and screaming.


hannah montana goes badThen she said she wanted

to get a tattoo of my name on her butt

so the taxi-driver took us to a cockroach infested

all-night biker tatttoo parlour but

she started screeching at the tattooist that he

“wasn’t respecting” her after he caught her

trying to steal a tattoo gun

and we were given the option of leaving

or having no teeth.


After we got kicked out of the tattoo parlour

we ended

up getting chased by Security Guards

when we tried to get into the back of a chemist shop

(I told her it was closed but she said she knew the owner)

and I tore my pants getting over a chain link fence.

I also lost my wallet in the escape but

she said it didn’t matter because

she had lots of money and credit cards and we could

get anything we want.

Then she couldn’t find her credit card either

so we spent an hour looking for it, crawling on

our hands and knees in a dark, dank alley strewn with

broken glass and dog-shit.

I must admit, As I crawled thru the filthy lane-way

picking thru piles of

rotting garbage looking for the lost Credit card

I couldn’t help thinking that

this wasn’t how I’d pictured

the evening turning out.


Then she said the credit card was in her purse after all.


So we found another taxi (the other guy

had taken off when the alarms went off) and

sometime around dawn we broke into a Zoo

and as the sun came up I found myself

sitting stunned on a bench

watching her laughing hysterically and

chasing a flock of agitated flamingoes thru a lagoon

“Who’s Pink now bitch!?!” she kept taunting them

as she floundered thru the muddy shallows.

acid trip 

Her Minders found us about the same time as the Zoo-keepers

and after they paid the Zoo keepers off

and made us all sign papers promising

never to speak of the incident

to a living soul

they coaxed her back into the Limo

with a cylinder of Nitrous Oxide.

“Will I ever see you again Miley,” I asked

“I love you Gerry,” she called to me

thru the rapidly closing window

“My names not Gerry”, I said,

but she was already distracted and shouting at the driver

to take her to a Fancy Dress Shop

so she could hire a Giant Clam costume

to wear at her niece’s Twelth birthday Party.


Now all I have to remember her by

is a rash, and even that will go

in a week or two, the doctor tells me,

if I keep using the ointment.


(Postscript; I think she said

she was Miley Cyrus,

it might have been Britney Spears)






The Reverend Hellfire is etc, etc..



~ by reverendhellfire on November 17, 2013.

7 Responses to “A DATE WITH MILEY CYRUS”

  1. A wonderful adventure fantasy, reminding me of long-ago student days.

  2. It was so long ago that people didn’t take drugs, not even marijuana. I only remember doing some mad things more than sixty years ago. We did drink alcohol. But I was always wanting sex because it was better without alcohol.

  3. The “Minders” need to seriously re-think their minding strategies…

    • I know. It’s a problem. I tried to have a
      steadying influence on the lass. You know, sounded “a word of warning” now and then but Youth never listens to Experiance, alas.
      I suggested we go to a Poetry Reading, but she’d only heard of Coleridge and just kept repeating over and over; “In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
      a stately pleasure dome decree.. for ME!!” and laugh hysterically in between taking huffs from the Nitrous Oxide cylinder.(She really had a good grip on that face-mask.I had to wrestle it away from her each time to get any at all. Kids are so selfish.)

  4. […] Regular readers of Sunday Sermons may recall my first encounter with young Miley, courtesy of a local radio station competition. [ https://reverendhellfire.wordpress.com/2013/11/17/a-date-with-miley-cyrus/ %5D […]

  5. […] https://reverendhellfire.wordpress.com/2013/11/17/a-date-with-miley-cyrus/ […]

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