Crossing the Emoticon  


Thank you for your email.

The last time I got that many “smiley faces”

in a communication was when I did

really well in a spelling quiz in Grade One.

Perhaps I should stick your email

onto the fridge with magnets also?


I would like to respond in kind,

but my own emotions, alas,

are complicated, and I

have been unable to find an emoticon

that adequately expresses my feelings.

Ideally I’d like to find one that

says something like:

“Your passive aggressive sabotage

nearly wrecked my project

but I have to keep working with you for now

so I’ll pretend that everythings fine.”


“Your profusion of emoticons

conveys no meaningful information

and I find your apparent reluctance

to answer the simplest questions extremely frustrating.”


Alas, my search engine hasn’t been able

to locate anything of relevance,

so perhaps I should look into

designing my own? (There

could be an unexplored market-niche here.)


In conclusion I can only confess

that my inability to substitute generic icons

for linguistic proficiency and emotional expressiveness

is a real handicap and generally symbolic

of the many difficulties I have

in adopting to Modern Customs,

but please have patience,

I’m working hard to adapt

and if I follow your example

it shouldn’t take me that long.








The Reverend Hellfire is a Practised Performance Poet,

President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity Inc.,

and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanists AND the Church of the Universe.

Enquiries re., Corporate Sponsorship welcomed.



~ by reverendhellfire on December 8, 2013.


  1. Thanks, Rev…

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