sacccharine santa

Nothing brings out the Reverend’s Misanthropy more than that mindless, joyless Celebration of Gluttony, self-indulgence and hypocrisy called Xmass. And so we print a re-edited version of a classic essay. Lets call it..



The Christmas season brought unexpected tidings of Great Joy to the happy Hellfire Household this year. For I had at last been given permission to kill off Santa Claus by the Mother of my Childe. No more lies. No more pretending. No more suspension of disbelief for public consumption. It was over, and I for one was glad.

I never could stand that fat fraud. Why the hell, I would demand, should that obese imposter get all the credit for presents that I bought with my hard earned money? Why should I encourage my daughter to believe that a bearded stranger who turns up once a year cares for her more than her parents?

And why do we encourage our children to cosy up and sit on a fat old, bearded stranger’s knee and whisper in his ear, asking for gifts? It would be a different story if old Santa was a homeless man harmlessly sitting on a bench in the park, wouldn’t it. “Oh no Jimmy! Don’t go near the strange man!” Hypocrites!

Besides, who made Santa our Moral Arbiter! What gives HIM the right to pass judgment and decide who’s “naughty or nice”? (these being the saccharine names we give to Good and Evil when speaking to children. Rather the way some parents will call their kids’ penis a “doodle/”willie”/”wee-wee” or use some other trite euphemism for that old Serpent in the Garden.)

You have to ask yourself questions. Whats the real story with those “elves”? What is Mrs Claus’s role? Is she just an “enabler”? Is Santa himself just a shill for the toy industry? Well yes, of course part of his job description is to act as a figurehead for consumerism, the blankly smiling face of materialism, where all problems are solved by spending money, but there’s more to the fat bastard than that.


Maybe I hate him so much because I know that teaching kids to believe in santa is just part of the softening up process for getting them to believe in “God” and all that other associated religious twaddle. “Be a good boy Jimmy and Santa (who is always watching you, apparently, just like God, the ultimate voyeur)will reward you.” Then we reinforce the lie with a gift. Thus we prepare them for the more adult lie that God will reward you if you’re good. Ignore all the evidence to the contrary, the terrible unjust things that happen to the good and the kind and the gentle, because at the end of the day Christmas, whoops, I’m sorry I meant Heaven, is coming and that’s when you get your presents.


Perhaps the answer partly lies in the dark, pagan roots of Santa’s past. Now, Santa-apologists will tell you that his name derives from “Saint Nick”, nut-case Christians will occasionally allege it’s an anagram of SATAN, but this is all just historical revisionism.

For SANTA is in fact a debased form of his old Roman name, SATURN. Christmas itself was originally called SATURNALIA, being named for its patron. It was a midwinter festival on 25th December given over to games, and gifting and feasting and general tomfoolery of all kinds.

Like us, the Romans portrayed Saturn/Santa as a kindly old man with a beard, whose rule in a dim, distant past was reputedly a Golden Age. Saturn had a darker side, however, and was traditionally pictured carrying a scythe. Lets just say it is not good to look too closely into what the scythe was used for.

But the name “Saturn” itself is just the Roman mask for a much older God. A God the ancient Greeks called CRONOS.

Cronos, it must be mentioned, was also called, “The Devourer”. He acquired this charming sobriquet from his habit of swallowing his own children. Goya did a cheery little rendition of the subject which I include here for your delectation.

Saturn devouring youngred

In case you’re wondering, Cronos ate his kids so that none would grow up to eventually overthrow him. Sort of a unilateral, pre-emptive first-strike. Nice guy. And THIS is the person you want your children leaving milk and cookies out for?

So let’s kill Santa off. Sure we need an end of year Ritual, (its in our social DNA, call it Christmas or Saturnalia or Solstice Fires or whatever you like, there should be a time for the tribes to gather)

but its time the Fat Lady sang for the Fat Man.





tai chi hand strawberry circle

The Reverend Hellfire is a practising Performance Poet, President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity Inc., and an ordained Minister of the Chgurch of Spiritual Humanism AND the Church of the Universe.

“God is dead: but considering the state Man is in, there will be caves for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche



~ by reverendhellfire on December 29, 2013.

2 Responses to “LETS KILL SANTA”

  1. I rather like “Solstice Fires”…

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