The Reverend is Missing!!!
We apologise for the absence of yesterdays Sunday Sermon,
but regret to announce the Reverend Hellfire
has disappeared. He was last seen on the coldest night of the year, in bushland on the side of rugged Mount Tambourine, where he reportedly attended one of the notorious Pagan Celebrations known as
a “Bush Doof”,at an undisclosed location.
Said to be heavily intoxicated on a bizarre cocktail of psychedelic and narcotic drugs that would kill the average human being, the Reverend was last seen dancing wildly in the company of three unknown women, described by locals as,
“Trailer trash in a flashy car”.
Rumours, that a shovel and masking tape went missing from a nearby lockup at the same time, remain unconfirmed.
There are conflicting Reports over the Reverends last words. One eyewitness (who did not wish to be named) told this enquiry; ” …and Then he said,”‘ I’m going out now. I may be some time..”‘ and he got up and walked out the door. He was a real gentleman right up to the end!”
However his Personal Assistant believes his last communiction was a text message sent shortly before dawn. The message reads simply;
“Doof doof doof doof..”
When last seen the Reverend was believed to be wearing a red and black, silk kimono and burgundy coloured velvet tights under a full-length leather trench coat and his trademark broad-rimmed black hat and crow mask.
Shocked by the apparent indifference of the Authorities and Church to the Reverends disappearance, and their refusal to conduct helicopter sweeps over the heavily forested area in an effort to locate the revered figure, friends and followers of the late Visionary (note;Is it too soon to say ‘late’ yet? Probably should just say ‘missing’, the bastard may still turn up. ed.) have banded together to launch their own Search and Rescue operation.
Although several would-be rescuers have themselves since become lost in the thick scrub, volounteers spirits remain generally high amongst the Team, most noticeably in those who had consumed mescaline beforehand, which they obtained by gnawing the bark of certain native trees.
“It sharpens all your perceptions’s,” claimed one hopeful earlier, “It’s sure to help in the Search.”
“I just hope we find the carcass before the wild pigs scatter it about too much,” another searcher remarked, with what one would hope was cautious optimism, “It’s hell identifying the remains when the pigs get there before you do.”
The Reverend Hellfire’s Personal Assistant, though clearly ‘tired and emotional’, also sounded a note of optimism,
“Oh He’ll come crawling back, looking like the cat that ate the cream..don’t you worry about that!,” she asserted, “He’s harder to kill than a cockroach or a rat.. besides, he’s sworn not to die till all his enemies are dead first and I’ve seen the list and he’s got a long ways to go yet.”
A vigil and prayer session is planned for later this week.
Donations to help continue the search are much needed, the Director of the “Find the Reverend Fund” said today
and should be directed to firstname.lastname@example.org
All donations over $500 tax deductable.
The Reverend Hellfire..
do you miss him yet?