AND NO PHONE RINGS {REDIAL}

As black helicopters drone continuously overhead, and the trial Police State for G20 gets under way (G20 is just a practice run, you understand, a trial run before they install the real thing. Work out who’s likely to cause a problem in the future, etc.) we turn our minds for relief to more innocent pursuits,

and redial a classic sermon..

monkey and i pad in bath

And No Phone Rings {Redial}

Friends,

are you being driven Insane by the importunate badgerings of Telemarketers?

Are you bothered by sales pitches from total strangers who can’t even pronounce your name correctly, or worse, who have the total arrogance to address you by your first name in a familiar and unwarranted manner even though you’ve never been introduced?

Do they pick with fiendish precision those inconvenient moments when Life is at its most hectic, to try and sell you products or services you never ever even thought about yet alone wanted to buy?

Isn’t there something infinitely irritating about dropping everything and racing to the phone on the off-chance it might be important, only to find it’s just another shill with a poor command of the English language wasting yet more of your precious, diminishing time. (Or, worse, some arrogant little snot-nosed, twenty-something, white-bread shit-head, wanna-be-yuppie with an attitude problem. {probably sells bad meth to his “friends” in his spare time}).

But fear not there is HOPE!

Oh yes, Brothers and Sisters, I used to be as you are.

How I used to grind my teeth as I slammed down the phone on yet another of these ubiquitous pests. But I have found a CURE, oh yes, and now,

why, I look forward to their calls.

phone operators2

Like many another great Advance in human development (Newton and his apple spring to mind), my final solution to the telemarketing problem came about by accident.

I was standing outside the corner shoppe, yakking to a couple of friends, when the phone in the public phone booth started to ring. (Yes, there are still a few left. Telstra hasn’t totally removed

all of them yet, the penny-pinching bastards.)

Curious, I walked over and lifted the receiver.

Hello?,” I said politely.

I want to talk to Sherryl!” a bad-tempered female voice snapped out at me.

There was something about the tone of her voice that made my skin crawl with immediate indignation.

Certainly,” I replied pleasantly, who shall I say is calling?”

It’s Karen of course!” she snapped out at me

like the claws of an angry crab.

One moment please,” I purred,

and putting my hand over the mouthpiece, I hummed a little tune

and silently counted to twenty-three.

Hello,” I said, “Karen?.. Are you still there?

Look, I’m sorry but Sherryl doesn’t want to talk to you.”

WHAT?!” she shouted, shocked I suppose.

Yes,” I continued, “She says she’s really angry at you for what you did

and she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.”

WHAT?!” she repeated.

Yes,” I said smoothly, “she says you’ll understand.”

WHO IS THIS??” she screamed.

You know who I am lady,” I said, and hung up.

It was a great day for Humanity.

I had invented the “The Reverse Crank Call”.

phone operators

Who amongst us, as a child or a youth, hasn’t known the innocent joys of the Crank Phonecall. Certainly it was a familiar feature in my own childhood days.

It’s not stalking if you only do it to each victim once, we reasoned, and it brought us children so much joy.

{If nothing else the crank call can be psychologically justified

as a harmless channel for humanity’s natural

streak of cruelty,

you know, like football or roller-derby.}

From a “Harmless Diversion” on hot summer nights

when there was nothing much else to do,

the form developed further.

In the Sixties, Acid-head stoners turned it into a surrealist artform; the Yippies turned it into a political tool. Later I knew some cyber-punk types,

 who took the Form serious too

Now..Alas! In these days of constant Surveillance and Monitoring, a Camera on every corner,

a Trace on every Call,

the Authoritarian tracking of all known forms of communication,

and increasingly humourless, kill-joy laws & functionaries,

all extolled as necessary tools of Control in the fight against

Whatever it is We’re at War with this Week, yes now alas

the Art of the Crank Phonecall has almost died,

and the World is a sadder place for it.

"..I'm going to hang up now"

“..I’m going to hang up now”

Hence the Beauty of the Reverse Crank Call.

They called YOU, after all,

without permission, consent or request.

Yes, lets not forget who the REAL Victim is here, your Honour.

phone

Had a bad day but too Civilized to kick the Cat?

Here’s where those annoying Telemarketing Calls

at Dinner Time can come in handy.

Now you can Vent your spleen, but do it Creatively.

Don’t shout at the poor fools.
That just raises your blood pressure,

and puts your humours out of balance.

Parody, Irony & Satire are your weapons.

A good laugh your goal.

It’s all very Zen, don’t you think?

*

Sometimes I’ll pretend that I’m Stupid

(well, stupider than I actually am)

and that I just can’t understand.

Sometimes I pretend I’m in love with them

and I wanna hold their hand.

(That really creeps them out!)

Sometimes I pretend I Haff a Vurrrst ach-cent zzunn zey du

undt ve vallow in mutual misincomprehension!

Quite often I merely like to try and Break their Spirit

and convince them to quit their Demeaning Jobs.

Like that call I had today..

"..so what colour and how long have you been wearing them?"

“..so what colour and how long have you been wearing them?”

Hi *****,” said White-Bread Boy,

all Friendly & Familiar, addressing me by a name

he could only have got from a pirated databank,

This is Adam..How are you today?”

Well, Adam, I guess I’m doing fine. I mean,

at least I’m better off than you are.”

What do you mean?” he said, sounding a little anxious.

*

Well Adam,” I explained patiently, “I’m not working

in a call-centre am I?..”

“ahh..”,

“What happened,” I taunted,” couldn’t you get a real job?”

What do you mean?” he repeated, sounding hurt.

You know.. a real job..making something

or growing something,

or even providing a Service..you know,

something that actually helps people,

like an ambulance driver, or a nurse or a farmer. Hell!

Even a humble cleaner is more useful than you.

I mean, think about it, what do you do?

You bother strangers with a dodgy product

that no-one wants or needs or asked for!

Gee.. I’ll bet your family are really disappointed in you.

I bet you never thought you’d

end up like this back in high school. No,

back then you probably had hopes and DREAMS!

Bet that Girl you secretly loved would laugh at you now!”

*

“BUT ITS NOT TOO LATE ADAM!

Leave now! Change your Life! Get up now out of your seat

and leave the building! Don’t look back Adam! DO IT NOW!”

I had gradually started raising my voice

during my diatribe,

till by the end of my rant I was practically screaming;

RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

RUN ADAM! OH PLEASE FOR GOD’S SAKE RUN!

SAVE YOURSELF!! AAAaaaarrghh!!…”

I abruptly stopped screaming, paused,

took a deep breathe, then asked quietly,

Adam..are you still there?”

*

But he had gone.

phone abandoned

I was exhausted after my little performance, but it was worth it for it’s cathartic effect in dispelling the day’s tensions

and frustrations. Plus it had given my Personal Assistant

some much needed amusement.

And Adam, I felt, had learnt a valuable lesson too.

I leant back in my chair, feeling satisfied with my days work,

picturing Adam in my mind’s eye,

running forever down the city streets

throwing his hands out to the sky,

a little crazed perhaps, but Free I tell you ! Free!

And I could see my own Future opening out

before me, filled with purpose and drive.

I pictured myself cutting a swathe thru

the Telemarketing industry,

picking off phone-drones like Adam one by one.

I pictured deserted offices with rows of unattended cubicles,

phones dangling off the hook, the faint static of dial tones

in the subliminal background.

I pictured a hush falling

over a quiet and peaceful Land..

*

And no phone rings.


phon board

***

G20 fun jpigRED

***

REV WALKS ON WATER CROPlight miast

The Reverend Hellfire is a practicing Performance Poet

the President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity

and an ordained Minister of the Church of  the Universe

AND the Church Of Spiritual Humanism.

“Walks on the Water/ Flys thru the Air,

Hasn’t a Hope/  Hasn’t a Care.”

***

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~ by reverendhellfire on November 9, 2014.

4 Responses to “AND NO PHONE RINGS {REDIAL}”

  1. I just did it, wow what a buzz! Thank you Reverend for sharing the light.

    I used to try and talk to them but just ended up getting angry and didn’t enjoy that. Even hanging up makes me angry – it is a very impolite thing to do and I hate being forced to do it.

    So after reading your sermon I devised a small script in my head (it happened almost subconsciously – weird) based on your sermon (but I will get more creative next time). Praise Jah!, I just got a call asking about my electricity bill.
    Without hesitation or rancour I lead the discussion about her sense of fulfillment in her job which is essentially parasitic. She engaged to a point, initially saying she liked her job but later admitting she does it because she had too. I could feel the dawn of truth rise in the conversation at that point.
    Then she said her job was her business, I said yes indeed and she should be more concerned with it that than my electricity bill, I am. Then she hung up.

    And I feel great!

    You have changed my life Reverend.

    • Glad to be of service brother John! I was impressed with the cool, calm way you unraveled the flaws in her theoretical underpinnings. Couldn’t have done better myself. Keep up the good work and spread the Word and maybe my Vision will become Prophecy! hoho

  2. The phone rang again today but I slipped back into old habits and hung up on them. I feel so guilty and worthless now.

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