Family Man Aleister Crowley, basking in the joys of parenthood.


On Having Children

(for JUNIUS JUVENALIS, with respect)

“..Unfortunately his work is poetry, and so subject to an unusual amount of corruption.”

Roger Pearse


O Julia, Julia! Julia!

Why in the world would

a perfectly healthy young woman like you

want to have kids in this Day and Age?

Isn’t there a handy High-rise balcony

you can toss yourself off,

or a cheap, Chinese electrical appliance

you’d rather stick a fork into?

You’ll lose your looks, your health

and your career.

Worse, you’ll have that scar! (I know you Julia,

you’re a busy career woman, no time for some

sloppy, unscheduled natural birth, it’ll

be a nice, neat Caesarian for you,

with the date, worked out weeks in advance,

precisely pencilled into your Calender.

You never could just let something happen).


Anyway, in today’s Moral Climate

you’re sure to raise a Monster,

some ghastly, ginger Junior-Jihadi

who’ll just embarrass you, or,

worse yet,

they”ll turn out as some

soul-less plastic yuppie with

a cold heart of silicon-steel, happy

to off-load you into the old-folks home

at the first opportunity

and liquidate the family assets.

corbybars jpig

What hope is there of installing

old-fashioned Virtues, when

every Priest is a Paedophile

and every Cop is a Crook

(leave little Freddie in Father O’Flanagan’s

hands overnight and he’ll get more

of an “Education” than you paid for).


You can’t even turn to Sport anymore

to fill in the gaping character flaws

in your Offspring’s personality.

Once we worshipped Sport as a God,

vouchsafed its miraculous Powers

as the Great Cure-All for Social Ills

amongst the Adolescent..

Rising rates of Teen Delinquency?

We need more Sport!

Unwed Mothers? Kids on Drugs?

The Answer was always; More Sport!

Lacking a good War

to straighten the Young out,

we relied on a little “healthy competition”

to stiffen their moral sinews,

teach them how to hold a straight bat

and the value of being a team player.

(a useful asset later in Life

should you find yourself crawling

through a smoke-filled trench

in a hostile, burnt-out village in

Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, et al.,

looking for the rest of your squadron).


But not Today!

Iconic Sport has fallen face-first into the mud

like an old statue of Stalin, or maybe

Wally Lewis.

Why would you expose your innocent stripling

to the sordid world of Sport today

with its proliferating scandals;

the drug abuse and violence, the constant corruption

and sexual depravity? If an athlete’s not

beating down some blonde in a bar

with a broken bottle,

they’re injecting themselves

with ghastly cocktails of codeine

and bull’s testicles. Why not

just set them up as a Pimp

in the first place and be done with it?

Sure you’ll live your Life

in Shame, but at least

they’re not a Football Player.


I’m not even going to mention the Expense!

Because if I know you, Julia, and I do,

you’ll put your spawn in child-care within six weeks

so you can go back to your brilliant career.

But soon you’ll find you’re working a full-time job

just to pay for the child-care.

School starts, more bills, uniforms, subject fees,

the latest expensive, technical gee-gaw,

obsolete five months after you buy it.

Don’t expect Family Tax Benefit B

to bail you out either,

and if your seed is “talented” in some minor way,

it’ll cost even more; the extra classes, tutors,

“educational” trips to other countries,

it never ends.


If you won’t think of yourself, Julia,

at least think of the kids,

(god bless their little unborn-right-to-exist!)

Are you really so cruel as to bring

more children into todays’ world?

The Earth’s getting hotter,

the Economy’s shot,

recreationally Ice has replaced Pot

and what with one thing and another

it’s misplaced kindness not to have an abortion.


The very least you can do then,

if you’re mind is made up,

is to pray for an ugly child, as ugly as

Rupert Murdoch say, but not too ugly though

or they’ll exhibit it in a freak show.

(The Elephant Man would make a packet

today if he was still hobbling along.)

campbell dickhead

Yes, pray that they’re Ugly

and try and steer their careers

away from Talent Shows and TV

lest they end up as some sick Celebrity’s

debauched sexual plaything. (I hear

Garry Glitter‘s getting the band back together,

when he gets out of jail)

Worse yet, your child could end up

as a Celebrity themself, and then you’re

really for it! Don’t expect gratitude.

Their every childhood trauma

will be blamed on you,

you’ll be publically shamed

as the worst parent ever,

their memoirs will make Mommie Dearest

pale by comparison, that

drunken argument one long-ago Christmas

will be replayed forever by bad actors

in made-for-TV movies.

You’ll be forever bailing them out too,

or putting your house up as surety,

and then when the little Ingrate

finally goes and overdoses,

you’ll be the one left holding the grandchild.


So pray for an ugly and talentless child!

Not that a lack of Talent ever stopped

anyone who’s had enough surgery

from becoming a Celebrity. Pour

enough silicon into your tits

and you’re forever guaranteed a place

on the cover of those glossy magazines

they sell in supermarkets..

{Here the manuscript breaks off-ed.}



Authors note; I’ve long been fond of the ancient Roman satirist Juvenal, and have learnt much from reading him, and in writing this poem, I’ve attempted to replicate his style somewhat as a tribute. I haven’t tried to work in the strict Hexameter format of the original Latin, but I have made use of his fondness of assonance, alliteration, enjambed lines and the “cinematic montage” style imagery. There are many fine translations of Juvenal, but I particularly like Peter Greens 1967 translation for Penguin Classics, which has the virtue of remembering that it’s Poetry, and thus perhaps comes closest in spirit to the original.





The Reverend Hellfire is a practised Performance Poet,

President of the Kurilpa institute of Creativity Inc.,

and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism

AND the Church of the Universe.

You wouldn’t believe the shit he puts up with.



~ by reverendhellfire on March 8, 2015.

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