From the Vaults; THE EEL DIARIES
We re-print this redacted copy of the Reverend’s original research journals..
FIELD NOTES; The Eel Diaries
It’s true that I like to conduct my own obscure
Experiments in forbidden fields.
Like the time I became far too interested in Electric Eels.
It wasn’t fair, I had decided, in a moment of unreasonable petulance,
Why couldn’t I generate an electric field and stun
my enemies too?
Why should a lowly eel have all the fun.
After all, 87% of our DNA is shared in common.
The electricity-generating blueprints are down there somewhere
in the basement of the bodies Genetic Archives,
I just have to dig down deep
Locate, Access, and Activate the sequence, right?
How hard could it be?
Not knowing what I was doing,
I took a multi faceted approach.
First, I read everything I could find
about the Electric Eel,
plastered my walls with pictures of them
and their ugly protruding jaws.
I Meditated frequently, Visualizing in my minds eye
Radiant blue energy currents
that swirled within and about me.
I shuffled my feet on carpets on windy days
and sewed magnets into my socks.
I spent long hours in the bathtub,
in the Dark,
thinking Eely thoughts..
Only my eyes and nose poked out above
the surface thickly strewn
with stolen Lotus-lily leaves.
Furthering my mimickry I found
The Eels diet was not that different from my own;
Dead things, mainly,
and lots of little fish.
At night, drawing on the Wisdom of the East,
I lay in bed, breathing rhythmically, and focused on
Circulating the Chi & Pranic forces throughout my body,
till the room seemed to hum with a Phosphorescent Glow..
“Your thinking about Eels again,” said my Girlfriend, “ I can tell.”
“Yes, Sweetest, ” I confessed, “that is true, but tell me did you know..”
I continued, improvising a rapid lie, “that when they’re mating,
The Eels lovingly entwine and twirl
giving each other mild, mutual electric shocks
that spiral in a gradually ascending clitorescendo of ecstatic pleasure?”
“We could try doing that,” I suggested. “Try thinking of
my penis as a lightning rod.”
“Well..” she said, “Alright.”
My Girlfriend was good like that.
She always encouraged me with my researches.
In the end I had to DISscontinue
my Eel experiments, they were starting to have DISsconcerting
Effects on my immediate Environment and the
Bioelectric circuitry of my Brain. Light bulbs blew
UP in my presence, compass needles spun wildly
in my vicinity,
Static storms erUPted in the stereo speakers,
the optic fibre fired and died,
I was subject to short circuits and sudden seizures,
micro-blackouts and fits of deja/
Clearly there were Forces
With which Man-Was-Not-Meant-to-Meddle!
No, nor Woman neither,
I told my dissappointed Girl.
The Reverend Hellfire is..
yada yada yada!