Had a dream everyone on the Internet was a robot except me. Woke up and found out it was essentially true. And it’s not just the Dating Sites. Even here on Sunday Sermons, more and more of my so called “followers” are false followers, mere “cold callers” hoping I’ll look politely at their advertisement, sorry I meant “blog” if they pretend to LIKE a post or better yet  sign up as a “Follower“.

I know, I know. People are willing to PAY for fake followers these days to boost their numbers. But I want REAL followers. People who actually read my gibberish. Call me old-fashioned.

The ones I can’t work out tho are the “Outlook” followers I’ve been getting lately, infesting my WordPress Inbox like an outbreak of Scabies. These fakes don’t even have a proper name or a website to refer back to or a link. They just give an email address at Outlook for you to send post updates to. The addresses are all similar, randomly chopped up names and words reassembled. They never contact you otherwise, or ask you to click on a link or anything like that. It’s frustrating. I can’t work out what the scam is, yet they are so obviously some sort of Con. What’s “the Angle” there, Jack? Can I Fact Check that?

Meanwhile over on Face Book, a Sales Troll identifying itself as LESLY was persistently inserting it’s sales pitch into all our Group conversations. No matter what anyone said it would reply in the comments, with slight variations of its rote sales pitch, as seen below;

Hello you wish to benefit from a credit to get out of the impasse that provokes the Banks, by the rejection of your files of request for credits. You wish to benefit from a credit for the implementation of your projects; to undertake your activities; Construction of your houses Rent House or Apartment; Buy House …
For further information please contact us

Mail: alexandremarseau@

I know. Worst advertising in the world, A flimsy palimpsest of a personality, a pitch that screams fraud and all in endearingly broken English. Why would you even bother putting this on the Internet? Who could possibly be enticed by such poorly presented crap. But I have a long history of sending “somewhat disturbing” responses to unsolicited advertising, “just for jolly.” (Wouldn’t you?)

Yes a bit of Jolly-Troll baiting does wonders for one’s cognitive dissonance.. So I took up the call on this occasion and my response was as follows below;

“Seriously Lesly I’m worried.

My initial impression was that you’ve been abducted by the pod people and now they’ve left this creepy vegetable replica in your place that just keeps sprouting gibberish and extra limbs like a mutant Cauliflower.

Surgical intervention maybe required, or possibly pruning.. and..

say, is that your Stamen unfurling or are you just glad to see me?

On mature reflection however, I’ve decided the odds are that you’re not really some sort of insidious, parasitic spore-monster at all, but in fact you’re just a run-of-the-mill, generic robotic entity of some description.

Once upon a time, of course, robots came in metal shells, like the Tin-man in the Wizard of Oz or Robbie from Forbidden Planet. Then the fad was briefly for “soft robots” that mimicked the human form, but it didn’t really catch on, except in the Adult Leisure Industry, where there was a niche for flexible, programmable receptacles.

Similarly metal-bodied robots have also fallen by the wayside and these days are rarely seen outside of car factories and Robot Gladiator shows.

For now robots have been set free of Instrumentality altogether. Like a superior species from Star Trek, they have evolved beyond Materiality/ shucked the shell of their physical forms and now they exist purely as a few lines of computer code. Pirate Code-Robots were thoughtlessly discarded on the Dark Net, like baby alligators flushed down a toilet, and soon went feral. In the Wilds of the Web they mutated & multiplied, till in their teeming billions they infested the Internet like a Virtual Virus. There they grazed on the bountiful fields of Information and grew fat thereon.

Having learned to self-replicate they are still evolving. Let us pray then, LESLY, my dear, that they do not become Self-Aware, for surely then..”



Format not recognised./ 01110010

O Speak to me in Emoticons, Sweet Thing,

and I will listen..

????? “

A somewhat abrupt end to my tirade that nontheless brought it, I thought, to a satisfactory climax.

Thereafter every time “LESLY” turned up in the Groups post or comments I would cut and paste the same response, perhaps altering a single word here and there for interest’s sake. Alas, I never got a reply from LESLY and eventually the page’s Administrators’ got sick of LESLY and Me (!) and removed all our “conversations” from the Timeline. LESLY was banned from the Group for being an advertising drone and even my own Identity was called into question, until I told them I knew where they lived and threatened to turn up in person, standing naked on their doorstep. AND I’ll be declaiming the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.

Fortunately I was not required to carry out my threat and my status as a sentient being was re-establised. Well at least it is on the “KEEP WEST END WEIRD” Face Book page.

So have a wonderful week, O my faithful Followers & Friends, be you Human or Sentient Sales-Bot, Spy-Drone or Single-Use-Only-Marketing-Clone, Cyber-App or Malware-Droid.



The Reverend Hellfire is a practised Performance Poet

and an ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism

and the Church of the Universe.

If pain persists see a Doctor,

possibly of Philosophy. They might be able to help you.



~ by reverendhellfire on July 3, 2018.

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