I think the thing that first impressed me about President Trump was his fingernails.

They’re always immaculate,

cut & polished like ten little mother-of-pearl cuff-links

set into the freshly-scrubbed, rosy-pink flesh

of his delicate and shapely fingers.

But that’s Donald for you. Always such perfect grooming. Surely a man who pays so much attention to his personal hygiene can have no hint of a stain upon his Soul for

Cleanliness is next to Godliness“, as my dear old Mother used to say, though perhaps I should mention she was on heavy-duty, anti-psychotic medications in those days.

Be that as it may, the time has come to share with the World, the Donald Trump that I’ve come to know; humble, self-effacing, kindly. A simple man with wholesome American tastes; he likes Blondes big breasted and his Bread white and he doesn’t mind admitting it.

I was first introduced to Donald by my Ex, the former Mrs Miley Cyrus-Hellfire. The powerful Cyrus Corporation had donated heavily to the Trump Presidential campaign and as a result strong bonds of friendship were forged between the Cyrus & Trump clans and the two families would often come together to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and other such occasions. Thus I met Donald at one such family gathering and having achieved entrée to his inner circle I now had the opportunity to study and assess the real person behind the famous name.

I quickly came to the conclusion that I had misjudged the man completely. Led astray by the lies & libels of the liberal media and deep state apparatchiks, I had mistakenly believed Donald to be naught but a cartoonishly stupid & evil Demagogue, greedy, racist, bombastic and vain, an ignorant narcissist with the instincts of a Mafia Boss, concerned only with preserving his Wealth and Power. Oh how wrong I was!

But you won’t hear our Donald utter a word of complaint or self-pity or recrimination about the vicious attacks he recieves from his enemies. He’s not the type to have a tantrum and stamp his foot on the ground like a little girl, or hold his breathe until he turns purple and passes out right there on the carpet of the Oval Office No! He’s the strong, silent type. A man of few words. Generally of two hundred and eighty characters or less. And so his only response is the quiet reproach of the occasional dignified Tweet.


Oh the terrible lies they tell about him and Melania being estranged. Truth is, Melania is just a shy, country girl at heart, and goes all coy in public. Not used to cameras and getting media attention she just freezes up. Ah, but you should see them when they’re alone together, sitting on the couch, holding hands and canoodling before a log fire, giggling like a couple of teenagers. It surely warms the cockles of your heart.

Yes people are always misinterpreting our President Trump. Like that whole Nazi thing in Charlottesville, when everyone got so upset just because Donald said that there were “good people on both sides”. That’s just Donald trying to see the best in everyone. It’s an example of his prater-natural innocence,

he just can’t believe people are really bad.

In fact Donald hasn’t got a racist bone in his excellent body! That’s why he wears that spray-on tan all the time,

because he identifies so much with his darker-skinned brothers and sisters that he wants to be just like them. ” ‘Black like Me’ was my favourite book back in High School,” Donald confided to me last Easter over egg-nogs,

” Why, I must have read it at least..once.”


And President Trump really wants to protect the Environment. That’s why he cares about trees so passionately. All trees. Even the trees that have been dead two hundred million years and turned into coal. That’s why he loves coal so much, because he knows it was once a tree and he can see it’s inner beauty. It is precious to him, like the lives of the Unborn.


Finally, few people would suspect that Don is quite the handyman around the home. One of the first tasks he undertook to tackle himself upon moving into the White House was draining the old septic tank out the back.

Built sometime during the Presidency of Ulysses S Grant it first started backing up during the Taft Administration, and has subsequently been the primary source of a foetid miasma engulfing the Washington area for many decades. A perenial source of contagion and shame, White House staffers refer to it familiarly as “the Swamp“. No President subsequently has had the stomach to deal with it. But Donald is never happier than when he’s wading knee-deep through shit, so I duly wished him luck and sent him a pair of RANGER, Heavy-Duty Men’s Full Rubber Hip Boots on his Birthday.

Recently I wrote and asked him how the Project was proceeding.

He said work was going excellently well! The diesel-pumps were chugging full tilt 24 hrs a day, and though an oily black cloud like the smog from a Beijing Peak Hour now engulfed the White House, on the plus side local Water-table levels were dropping rapidly and that week alone they had fished out three tyres, a rusty bedstead and a bunch of old bottles which they took back to the shop for a refund of $1.38c.

That’s Donald! Parsimonious as ever and as ever, doing his bit for recycling.

He even sent me a picture.

The man’s a Prince.



The Reverend Hellfire is a practised Performance Poet,

Winner of the 2017 Paul Sherman Community Poetry Award

and an Ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism

AND the Church of the Universe.

One Voice.



~ by reverendhellfire on September 2, 2018.

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