The Ritual of SHAVING

From the depths of Sunday Sermon’s Archives, we are proud to present this poetic piece of Paternal Wisdom from the Past.

The Ritual of SHAVING


Why do you shave daddy?”

asked my darling young daughter

as I conducted my morning ritual

in front of the mirror.

Ah ha! I thought,

time to impart some paternal wisdom.

So I told her the Facts, as I saw them.

Shaving is what separates us from the beasts,”

I pontificated pompously,

waving my shaving brush in the air,

whilst working myself into a lather.

Man alone of all the animals

is dissatisfied with his appearance

and seeks to change it.

From there all human “Progress” proceeds,

If you can change your appearance,

why not change the external world as well

to meet your whims & fancies?

Its all just Vanity & Hubris really.

Other animals adapt to the environment,

whereas we adapt the environment to meet our tastes.

Yes, our Evolution as a Species surely ended

when “Progress” began.”

But why did we start in the first place,

you might ask?”, I demanded

with a rhetorical flourish.

“Basically I feel Mankind’s urge to shave

is a denial of our Glorious Simian Heritage.

People want to forget

that we’re related to Chimpanzees.

So we monkey with the past,

invent God to give us an alibi,

(and the authority to lord it over

the rest of the animal kingdom),

whilst we disguise our appearance

to hide the family resemblance.

But still, from a legal point of view,

based on the latest available DNA testing techniques,

we’re all just Statutory Apes

with mange.

In fact, strictly speaking,

most of our ancestors weren’t even mammals.”

Oh,” said my daughter, “what about girls?”

Oh Womankind shaves too,

armpits and legs mainly, I believe,

you’ll have to ask your mother for details,

though personally speaking, I don’t mind

a girl with furry armpits.

Eeewwww!” Said my daughter.

Yes,” I said complacently,

It’s all a matter of taste.

Smell too.

Humans often find it necessary to alter their odour,

though to be fair

dogs display similar tendencies

when they roll in decay and ordure.

Dead things and dung they like special.”


Eeeewwww!” Said my daughter once more,

and ran from the room yelling,

Mummy! Daddy’s being disgusting again!”

Wait till dinner time,” I promised,

I’m planning a talk on tapeworms.”


I do enjoy our little chats, I thought to myself,

as I carefully sculpted

the edge of my beard.




The Reverend Hellfire is a practised Performance Poet,

former President of the Kurilpa Institute of Creativity

and an Ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism AND (by special dispensation) the Church of the Universe.

The kid’s OK.


~ by reverendhellfire on August 18, 2019.

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