28; Spammy Scammy? Thank You Maammy!
Floods, Pestilence, Personal Tragedy, Mechanical Failures, System Rot, Poverty, War & Other Minor Inconveniences have prevented Sunday Sermons from being posted for many weeks.. did anyone actually notice? No matter, the Reverend is back with this classic escapist Sermon..
Spam Scam? Thank You Ma’am!
“Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
Wonderful Spam!” –Monty Pythons flying Circus
I must confess that lately I’ve
become a connoisseur of Spam.
Not the mutant meat by-product, but
the e-mail kind of thing,
proliferating like toadstools after a storm
sprouting in rich profusion of the Internets rotten trunk,
and bottom feeding Scammers
that seek out your gullibility & Greed
with their prehensile lies
then try
and pull some dodgy sort of scam
that parts you from your Identity
and/or
your Money.
Yes, good old Spam mail,
that cultural cholesterol clogging the net.
(One day there’ll be so much at once we’ll
have a cyber stroke.)
Most of the Scams course are depressingly dull
and show no sense of Imagination.
(Yawn! Either I’ve won the Irish Sweepstakes
or my bank wants me to confirm
my pin number yet again. Does
anyone at all believe this shit?)
Where’s the sense of Magic & Wonder?
No, I like the ones that show signs
of a Weird Creativity to their Scamming
with maybe a hint of humour
in their Delivery.
Fantastic claims! Unlikely and complex scenarios!
That’s what I want!
Give me cyber-scams
where Unimagined Worlds come unexpectedly
swarming into view.
Like when they offered me a share
of Saddam Hussein’s buried gold!
Or the time they told me I had a controlling option
in an international diamond smuggling Operation.
AH! How their offers set my mind afire
with untold possibilities!
Now, I know it’s only encouraging them,
but sometimes I like to write back,
inspired to spout my own line of Fantasies.
I like to let them think I’m interested
in their dubious proposal while
trying to convince them of the reality
of my own bizarre claims.
On this basis,
I once became engaged to a Nubian Princess,
for about two and a half weeks.
(There were some ‘political problems’ to be sorted out
but then She’d inherit her father’s throne
and we could settle down
to a long & prosperous reign),
Alas! Negotiations broke down
in a welter of confusion & bad feeling,
but while it lasted my Life was aglow
with day-dreams of Adventure
& Romance.
I cut a picture of some fearsome tribal girl
out of an old National Geographic Magazine
and put it in my wallet.
so then I could walk around showing people
a picture of “my affianced.”
(When they displayed doubt I just
produced print-outs of selected emails. I
loved to see the uncertainty
dancing in their eyes,
as they wondered whether
to believe my outrageous lies.)
Other times I like to write back and point out
the Spammers’ spelling errors and
various grammatic flaws,
or the little inconsistencies of logic
that marred their Presentation.
I’d patiently explain why their ludicrous proposals
didn’t work for me,
and suggest ways they could improve their pitch.
Sadly, none have ever paid or thanked me
for beta-testing their product.
Indeed, mostly they don’t write back at all
so I’m not even sure if they take my advice
or use my twisted stories for their scams.
Ah! What an amazing rush it would be
to be spammed by one of my own preposterous Routines!
To know that my Creation
was existing out there in the cyber world,
independent as a virus,
enriching lives around the globe.
You’d feel like a parent feels watching their child
take its first few tottering steps,
or as proud as God must have felt
when They saw humans had learned to procreate.
So Yes! Go forth and multiply!
Enrich dull lives with fantastic imaginings!
And if lonely pensioners in caravan parks
give you their life savings,
who’s to say they’re not getting their money’s worth?
Let them Dream a little of what will never be.
Who am I to criticise? After all
you didn’t ask them to be gullible.
Oh wait..
you did.
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Reverend Hellfire's Sunday Sermon 